Dave’s Daily Quotes

The family you come from isn’t as important as the family you’re going to have. ~ Ring Lardner

He looked at me as if I were a side dish he hadn’t ordered. ~ Ring Lardner

An optimist is a girl who mistakes a bulge for a curve. ~ Ring Lardner

Marriage is nature’s way of keeping us from fighting with strangers. ~ Alan King

I’m a one-man idiot. ~ Eddie Izzard

I do benefits for all religions; I’d hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality. ~ Bob Hope

Bigamy is the only crime where two rites make a wrong. ~ Bob Hope

Just because nobody complains doesn’t mean all parachutes are perfect. ~ Benny Hill

We all pay for life with death, so everything in between should be free. ~ Bill Hicks

Happiness can only be found if you can free yourself of all other distractions. ~ Saul Bellow

I’m a heroine addict.  I need to have sex with women who have saved someone’s life. ~ Mitch Hedberg

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults. ~ Mitch Hedberg

Every time I go and shave, I assume there’s someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, “I’m gonna go shave, too.” ~ Mitch Hedberg

Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read! ~ Mitch Hedberg

Dogs are forever in the push up position. ~ Mitch Hedberg

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap. ~ Mitch Hedberg

Riches do not delight us so much with their possession, as torment us with their loss. ~ Dick Gregory

Just being a Negro doesn’t qualify you to understand the race situation any more than being sick makes you an expert on medicine. ~ Dick Gregory

I never learned hate at home, or shame.  I had to go to school for that. ~ Dick Gregory

I am really enjoying the new Martin Luther King Jr. stamp–just think about all those white bigots, licking the backside of a black man. ~ Dick Gregory

Hell hath no fury like a liberal scorned. ~ Dick Gregory

If you build a better mousetrap, you will catch better mice. ~ George Gobel

Did you ever get the feeling that the world was a tuxedo and you were a pair of brown shoes? ~ George Gobel     ++

To me, there is no greater act of courage than being the one who kisses first. ~ Janeane Garofalo

Is being an idiot like being high all the time? ~ Janeane Garofalo