Dave’s Daily Quotes

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree. ~ Spike Milligan  

You’ve got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven. ~ Dennis Miller  

You know there is a problem with the education system when you realize that out of the 3 R’s only one begins with an R. ~ Dennis Miller  

Guilt is the reason they put the articles in Playboy. ~ Dennis Miller  

Washington, DC is to lying what Wisconsin is to cheese. ~ Dennis Miller  

The average American’s day planner has fewer holes in it than Ray Charles’ dart board. ~ Dennis Miller  

I’m like Bush;  I see the world more like checkers than chess. ~ Dennis Miller  

A recent police study found that you’re much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run. ~ Dennis Miller  

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something. ~ Jackie Mason  

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe. ~ Jackie Mason  

Did you ever hear of a kid playing accountant–even if they wanted to be one? ~ Jackie Mason  

Women should be obscene and not heard. ~ Groucho Marx  

If you’ve heard this story before, don’t stop me, because I’d like to hear it again. ~ Groucho Marx  

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you. ~ Groucho Marx  

I was married by a judge.  I should have asked for a jury. ~ Groucho Marx  

Good housekeeping is an exact science.  I’m into art.  

In honor of Earth Day, anyone asking for help today will be treated like dirt.  

It’s the male zebras that have white stripes; female zebras have black stripes.  

My mother is a travel agent for guilt trips.  

No prizes for predicting rain.  Prizes are only awarded for building arks.  

Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won’t spoil me.  

The only thing lazy people do fast is get tired.  

Nowadays it’s not as important for voters to know what a politician has done as what he or she hasn’t done. ~ Edward Blakeman  

Lately I’ve found that if it weren’t for stereotypes, conversation would be much more difficult for the closed-minded. ~ Morgan Ivy  

I live for books. ~ Thomas Jefferson