Dave’s Daily Quotes

They added up all the people in this country who consider themselves a minority and it added up to more than the population of the country. ~ Bill Maher    ++  

Everybody’s got something to hide, except for me and my monkey. ~ Beatles  

I’m not offended by what you say.  I’m just glad that you’re stringing words into sentences now.    ++  

Sleep is a symptom of caffeine deprivation. ~ Anonymous  

Decaf? No, it’s dangerous to dilute my caffeine stream. ~ Anonymous  

You stand in the middle of a library and go ‘Aaaaaagghhh!!’ and everyone just stares at you.  But you do the same thing on an airplane, and everyone joins in. ~ Tommy Cooper  

Don’t watch the clock; do what it does.  Keep going. ~ Sam Levenson  

No man goes before his time–unless the boss leaves early. ~ Groucho Marx  

To live is so startling it leaves little time for anything else. ~ Emily Dickinson  

I saw this wino, he was eating grapes.  I was like, ‘Dude, you have to wait.’ ~ Mitch Hedberg  

It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower, or vacuum cleaner. ~ Ben Bergor  

Dogs are the leaders of the planet.  If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge? ~ Jerry Seinfeld  

Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women:  a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom. ~ Jerry Seinfeld

Religion, to me, is a bureaucracy between man and God that I don’t need. ~ Bill Maher  

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. ~ Robert A. Heinlein  

If at first you don’t succeed, try again.  Then quit.  There’s no use being a damn fool about it. ~ W.C. Fields  

Start every day with a smile and get it over with. ~ W.C. Fields  

They’ve finally come up with the perfect office computer.  If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer. ~ Milton Berle  

You moon the wrong person at an office party and suddenly you’re not ‘professional’ any more. ~ Jeff Foxworthy  

He had a mind so fine that no idea could violate it. ~ T. S. Eliot  

Parents are the last people on earth who ought to have children. ~ Samuel Butler  

Middle age is the time when a man is always thinking that in a week or two he will feel as good as ever. ~ Don Marquis    ++  

There is nothing so pitiful as a young cynic because he has gone from knowing nothing to believing nothing. ~ Maya Angelou    ++  

Any book that helps a child to form a habit of reading, to make reading one of his deep and continuing needs, is good for him. ~ Maya Angelou    ++  

What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary. ~ Richard Harkness