Dave’s Daily Quotes

Let’s reintroduce corporal punishment in the schools–and use it on the teachers. ~ P. J. O’Rourke  

If you are young and you drink a great deal it will spoil your health, slow your mind, make you fat–in other words, turn you into an adult. ~ P. J. O’Rourke    ++  

Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely. ~ P. J. O’Rourke  

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution? ~ Groucho Marx  

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book. ~ Groucho Marx  

I don’t care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members. ~ Groucho Marx  

Another term for balloon is bad breath holder. ~ Demetri Martin  

I went out with a promiscuous impressionist.  She did everybody. ~ Jay London  

I model irregular clothing. ~ Jay London  

I went to an audition the other day; they were casting 13 people to be clouds.  14 people showed up, it was overcast. ~ Jay London  

My girlfriend bought me a down jacket, she said it fit my personality. ~ Jay London  

My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings. ~ Jay London   ++  

I’m convinced my cockroaches have military training; I set off a roach bomb–they diffused it. ~ Jay London  

Faith is to the human what sand is to the ostrich.  

Religion is excellent stuff for keeping common people quiet. ~ Napoleon Bonaparte  

Razors pain you.  Rivers are damp.  Acids stain you and drugs cause cramp.  Guns aren’t lawful; nooses give.  Gas smells awful; you might as well live.  

One machine can do the work of fifty ordinary men.  No machine can do the work of one extraordinary man. ~ Elbert Hubbard  

Responsibilities gravitate to the person who can shoulder them. ~ Elbert Hubbard  

You know, I really have to hand it to short people.  No, I really do; they’re too short to reach stuff…  

You know you’re getting old when you think an XBOX is where you keep your divorce papers.

Sometimes I just have to ask myself, “What would a competent person do in this situation?”

I always mean what I say, but I don’t always mean to say it out loud.

The only appropriate time to yell out “I HAVE DIARRHEA!” is when you’re playing Scrabble.  Because it’s worth a lot of points.  

Things in my life are finally starting to click…Like my elbows, my knees, my feet, etc.

I’m struck by how laughter connects you with people.  It’s almost impossible to maintain any kind of distance or any sense of social hierarchy when you’re just howling with laughter.  Laughter is a force for democracy. ~ John Cleese