Dave’s Daily Quotes

I hope I don’t sound like an old-fashioned stick-in-the-mud, but when I hear about people making vast fortunes without doing any productive work or contributing anything to society, my reaction is: “How can I get in on that?” ~ Dave Barry

We used to play spin the bottle when I was a kid. A girl would spin the bottle and if it pointed to you when it stopped, the girl could either kiss you or give you a dime. By the time I was 14, I owned my own home. ~ Gene Perret

Money isn’t everything: usually, it isn’t even enough.

It takes money to make money because you have to copy the design exactly.

Strange things happen when you’re in debt. Two weeks ago, my car broke down and my phone got disconnected. I was one electric bill away from being Amish. ~ Tom Ryan

I went to a cigarette factory in Kentucky a few years ago, took the tour. The employees there get free smokes. Which pretty much cuts down the pension plan.

I went to my doctor and asked for something for persistent wind. He gave me a kite. ~ Les Dawson

If you found yourself in a situation where you could either save a drowning man, or you could take a Pulitzer prize winning photograph of him drowning, what shutter speed and setting would you use? ~ Paul Harvey

The only thing my husband and I have in common is we were married on the same day. ~ Phyllis Diller

Whoever came up with ice fishing must have had the worst marriage on the planet. ~ Jeff Cesario

ABC News says Americans spend $300 billion every year on games of chance, and that doesn’t include weddings and elections. ~ Argus Hamilton

Atheists don’t solve exponential equations because they don’t believe in higher powers.

You know you are getting old when you realize that a stamp today costs more than a picture show did when you were a kid.

You know you’re getting older when you buy trousers with the waist size larger than the length.

I’m so miserable without you, it’s almost like you’re still here.

IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.

In the pasture of life, don’t be a cow pie.

In communism, man oppresses man. In capitalism, it’s the other way around. ~ John Kenneth Galbraith

Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger. ~ Franklin P. Jones

Countless numbers of people have eaten in our kitchen and went on to live perfectly normal lives.

When your outgo exceeds your income your upkeep will be your downfall.

Today is the day I worried about yesterday and everything is OK.

Death is not extinguishing the light. It is putting out the lamp because the dawn has come.

When we die we leave behind us all that we have and take with us all that we are. ~ Anonymous

Always buy good shoes and a good bed, because if you aren’t in one, you’re in the other.