I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious. ~ Steven Wright
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections? ~ Steven Wright
Isn’t Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse? ~ Steven Wright
How come abbreviated is such a long word? ~ Steven Wright ++
Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead? ~ Steven Wright
Why are they called buildings, when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts? ~ Steven Wright
Why are they called apartments when they’re all stuck together? ~ Steven Wright
Why do banks charge you a “non-sufficient funds fee” on money they already know you don’t have? ~ Steven Wright 99
What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way? ~ Steven Wright
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it? ~ Steven Wright ++
Why is a carrot more orange than an orange? ~ Steven Wright
When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss? It sounds like a near hit to me! ~ Steven Wright
Do fish get cramps after eating? ~ Steven Wright
Why are there 5 syllables in the word “monosyllabic”? ~ Steven Wright ++
Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors? ~ Steven Wright
Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new? ~ Steven Wright
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat? Steven Wright
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him? ~ Steven Wright
If “con” is the opposite of “pro,” then what is the opposite of progress? ~ Steven Wright ++
Why does lemon juice contain mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons? ~ Steven Wright
Why do we wait until a pig is dead to “cure” it? ~ Steven Wright
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes? ~ Steven Wright ++
Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate? ~ Steven Wright
Do married people live longer than single people do or does it just SEEM longer? ~ Steven Wright
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. ~ Steven Wright
If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working? ~ Steven Wright
War doesn’t determine who’s right, just who’s left. ~ Steven Wright ++
I took a lie detector test the other day. No I didn’t. ~ Steven Wright
A friend of mine once sent me a postcard with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said “Wish you were here”. ~ Steven Wright
Last week I bought a new phone. I took it out of the box, hooked it up to the wall and pressed redial. The phone had a nervous breakdown. ~ Steven Wright
Every so often I like to stick my head out the window, look up and smile for a satellite picture. ~ Steven Wright ++
In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said “Cut it out.” ~ Steven Wright
My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted. ~ Steven Wright ++
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out. ~ Steven Wright
I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an eighty-foot step ladder with a coat hanger. ~ Steven Wright
When the guy who made the first drawing board got it wrong, what did he go back to? ~ Steven Wright
The moon may be smaller than the earth, but it’s further away. ~ Steven Wright
I talk to myself a lot. That bothers some people because I use a megaphone. ~ Steven Wright
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