Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make them when nobody is looking.

Never lose sight of the fact that old age needs so little but needs that little so much.  ~ Margaret Willour

The problem with beauty is that it’s like being born rich and getting poorer.  ~ Joan Collins

Problems with grammar have I. ~ Yoda

Breeding rabbits is a hare raising experience.

That awkward moment when the guy who discovered milk had to explain what he was doing to the cow…

Marriage is like twirling a baton, turning handsprings, or eating with chopsticks.  It looks easy until you try it.

The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn’t mean that God doesn’t love heterosexuals. It’s just that they need more supervision. ~ Lynn Lavner

I have lots of great personality traits. Or as my psychologist calls them, symptoms.

I’m not insulting you, I’m describing you!!

They say winning isn’t everything, and I’ve decided to take their word for it. ~ Bill Watterson

50% of life is pulling percentages out of thin air and stating them as facts.

What you have become is the price you paid to get what you used to want. ~ Mignon McLaughlin

Technology now allows employers to cross the line from monitoring the work to monitoring the worker. ~ Cindia Cameron

No matter how rich you become, how famous or powerful, when you die the size of your funeral will still pretty much depend on the weather. ~ Michael Pritchard

God gives us faces; we create our own expressions.

Do’s and don’ts influence wills and won’ts.

It’s not enough that we do our best; sometimes we have to do what’s required.  ~ Winston Churchill

All pipe is to be made of a long hole, surrounded by metal or plastic centered around the hole.

How do you stop children from bed wetting?  Electric blanket.

Foods that are frozen have no calories because calories are units of heat. Examples are ice cream, frozen pies, and popsicles.

According to recent surveys, 51% of the people are in the majority.

Life is like a doughnut. You’re either in the dough or in the hole.

If people listened to themselves more often, they would talk less.

Nuns: Women who marry God. (If they divorce Him, do they get half the universe?)

Is your holier side your altar ego?

…to change lightbulb

Q: How many brewers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One-third less than for a regular bulb.

Q: How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a suprising twist at the end.

Q: How many boring people does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One.

Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a cosmos of nothingness.

Q: How many Orthodox Rabbis does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Change?

I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers.

A man’s home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Q.  What do TV reporters wear under their pants?

A.  News briefs

Q.  What do frogs wear for a night out on the town?

A.  Jumpsuits.

Q.  How can you tell you have a slow dog?

A.  He brings you yesterday’s paper.

Just because I’m moody doesn’t mean you’re not irritating.

Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.

Q:  What kind of music do mummies listen to?

A: Wrap

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.

Why should you never iron a 4-leaf clover?  You don’t want to press your luck!

Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?

A. Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what’s in bed, and then go to the fridge.

The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, “What’s on the TV?”

I said, “Dust!”

Every man is as Heaven made him, and sometimes a great deal worse. ~ Miguel de Cervantes

Nothing has really happened until I’ve heard about it.

The future has already happened every place except where you are.

The real world is not user-friendly

I wish for world peace, harmony and nudity.

Hope springs eternal, but you have to be careful when playing with springs.

Being interesting has been replaced by being identifiable. ~ Chuck Klosterman

Remember, you only have to succeed the last time. ~ Brian Tracy

As you grow old, you lose interest in sex, your friends drift away and your children often ignore you. There are other advantages of course, but these are the outstanding ones. ~ Richard Needham

Eleven Step Guide to Being Handy Around the House

Eleven Step Guide to Being Handy Around the House
By Robert Fulghum, from his book titled “Maybe, Maybe Not!”
1. If you can’t find a screwdriver, use a knife. If you break off the tip, it’s an improved screwdriver.
2. Try to work alone. An audience is rarely any help.
3. Despite what you may have been told by your mother, praying and cursing are both helpful in home repair … but only if you are working alone.
4. Work in the kitchen whenever you can … many fine tools are there, it’s warm and dry, and you are close to the refrigerator.
5. If it’s electronic, get a new one … or consult a twelve-year-old.
6. Stay simple minded: Get a new battery; replace the bulb or fuse; see if the tank is empty; try turning it to the “on” switch; or just paint over it.
7. Always take credit for miracles. If you dropped the alarm clock while taking it apart and it suddenly starts working, you have healed it.
8. Regardless of what people say, kicking, pounding, and throwing sometimes DOES help.
9. If something looks level, it is level.
10. If at first you don’t succeed, redefine success.
11. Above all, if what you’ve done is stupid, but it works, then it isn’t stupid.

Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

Jose & Carlos are panhandling on the street.
Jose drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend.
Carlos only brings in 2 to 3 dollars a day.
Carlos asks Jose how he can bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day.
Jose says “Look at your sign. It says: I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support”.
Carlos looks at Jose’s sign. It reads “I only need another $10.00 to move back to Mexico “.

I don’t think you are stupid. You just have bad luck when thinking.