Dave’s Daily Quotes

  • Nuns: Women who marry God. (If they divorce Him, do they get half the universe?)

  • Is your holier side your altar ego?

  • …to change lightbulb

    Q: How many brewers does it take to change a light bulb? A: One-third less than for a regular bulb. Q: How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a suprising twist at…

  • I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers.

  • A man’s home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

  • Q.  What do TV reporters wear under their pants? A.  News briefs Q.  What do frogs wear for a night out on the town? A.  Jumpsuits. Q.  How can you tell you have a slow dog? A.  He brings you yesterday’s paper.

  • Just because I’m moody doesn’t mean you’re not irritating.

  • Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.

  • Q:  What kind of music do mummies listen to? A: Wrap

  • Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.

  • Why should you never iron a 4-leaf clover?  You don’t want to press your luck!

  • Q. Why are married women heavier than single women? A. Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what’s in bed, and then go to the fridge.

  • The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, “What’s on the TV?” I said, “Dust!”

  • Every man is as Heaven made him, and sometimes a great deal worse. ~ Miguel de Cervantes

  • Nothing has really happened until I’ve heard about it.

  • The future has already happened every place except where you are.

  • The real world is not user-friendly

  • I wish for world peace, harmony and nudity.

  • Hope springs eternal, but you have to be careful when playing with springs.

  • Being interesting has been replaced by being identifiable. ~ Chuck Klosterman

  • Remember, you only have to succeed the last time. ~ Brian Tracy

  • As you grow old, you lose interest in sex, your friends drift away and your children often ignore you. There are other advantages of course, but these are the outstanding ones. ~ Richard Needham

  • Eleven Step Guide to Being Handy Around the House

    Eleven Step Guide to Being Handy Around the House By Robert Fulghum, from his book titled “Maybe, Maybe Not!” 1. If you can’t find a screwdriver, use a knife. If you break off the tip, it’s an improved screwdriver. 2. Try to work alone. An audience is rarely any help. 3. Despite what you may…

  • Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

  • Jose & Carlos are panhandling on the street. Jose drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend. Carlos only brings in 2 to 3 dollars a day. Carlos asks Jose how he can bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day. Jose says “Look…

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