Dave’s Daily Quotes

“I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.” ~ Mitch Hedberg

“I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.” ~ Mitch Hedberg

“Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?” ~ George Carlin

“Weather forecast for tonight: dark.” ~ George Carlin

“Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.” ~ George Carlin

“I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for their final exam.” ~ George Carlin

“Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.” ~ George Carlin

“Electricity is really just organized lightning.” ~ George Carlin

“Atheism is a non-prophet organization.” ~ George Carlin

“Always do whatever’s next.” ~ George Carlin

“Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.” ~ Groucho Marx

“I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.” ~ Groucho Marx

“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.” ~ Groucho Marx

“All people are born alike – except Republicans and Democrats.” ~ Groucho Marx

“A man’s only as old as the woman he feels.” ~ Groucho Marx

“A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.” ~ Groucho Marx

“Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.” ~ Steven Wright

“I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.” ~ Steven Wright

“I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.” ~ Steven Wright

“I had to stop driving my car for a while… the tires got dizzy.” ~ Steven Wright

“I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.” ~ Steven Wright

Be the change you want to see in the world. ~ Gandhi

“Youth, which is forgiven everything, forgives itself nothing: age, which forgives itself everything, is forgiven nothing.” ~ George Bernard Shaw

“The passions of the young are vices in the old.” ~ Joseph Joubert

The young do not know enough to be prudent, and therefore they attempt the impossible — and achieve it, generation after generation. ~ Pearl S. Buck