I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious. \u00a0~ Steven Wright<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?\u00a0 ~ Steven Wright<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Isn’t Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?\u00a0 ~ Steven Wright<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
How come abbreviated is such a long word?\u00a0 ~ Steven Wright ++<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?\u00a0 ~ Steven Wright<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Why are they called buildings, when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?\u00a0 ~ Steven Wright<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Why are they called apartments when they’re all stuck together?\u00a0 ~ Steven Wright<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Why do banks charge you a “non-sufficient funds fee” on money they already know you don’t have?\u00a0 ~ Steven Wright 99<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?\u00a0 ~ Steven Wright<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?\u00a0 ~ Steven Wright ++<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?\u00a0 ~ Steven Wright<\/p>\n
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When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss? It sounds like a near hit to me!\u00a0 ~ Steven Wright<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Do fish get cramps after eating?\u00a0 ~ Steven Wright<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Why are there 5 syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?\u00a0 ~ Steven Wright\u00a0\u00a0 ++<\/p>\n
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Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?\u00a0 ~ Steven Wright<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?\u00a0 ~ Steven Wright<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?\u00a0 Steven Wright<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?\u00a0 ~ Steven Wright<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
If “con” is the opposite of “pro,” then what is the opposite of progress?\u00a0 ~ Steven Wright ++<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Why does lemon juice contain mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?\u00a0 ~ Steven Wright<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Why do we wait until a pig is dead to “cure” it?\u00a0 ~ Steven Wright<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?\u00a0 ~ Steven Wright\u00a0\u00a0 ++<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?\u00a0 ~ Steven Wright<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Do married people live longer than single people do or does it just SEEM longer?\u00a0 ~ Steven Wright<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.\u00a0 ~ Steven Wright<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?\u00a0 ~ Steven Wright<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
War doesn’t determine who’s right, just who’s left. ~ Steven Wright\u00a0\u00a0 ++<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
I took a lie detector test the other day. No I didn’t.\u00a0 ~ Steven Wright<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
A friend of mine once sent me a postcard with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said “Wish you were here”. ~ Steven Wright<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Last week I bought a new phone. I took it out of the box, hooked it up to the wall and pressed redial. The phone had a nervous breakdown. ~ Steven Wright<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Every so often I like to stick my head out the window, look up and smile for a satellite picture. ~ Steven Wright\u00a0\u00a0 ++<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said “Cut it out.” ~ Steven Wright<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted. ~ Steven Wright\u00a0\u00a0 ++<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out. ~ Steven Wright<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an eighty-foot step ladder with a coat hanger. ~ Steven Wright<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
When the guy who made the first drawing board got it wrong, what did he go back to? ~ Steven Wright<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
The moon may be smaller than the earth, but it’s further away. ~ Steven Wright<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
I talk to myself a lot. That bothers some people because I use a megaphone. ~ Steven Wright<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious. \u00a0~ Steven Wright Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?\u00a0 ~ Steven Wright Isn’t Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?\u00a0 ~ Steven Wright How come abbreviated is such a long word?\u00a0 ~ […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/davesdailyquotes.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/16048"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/davesdailyquotes.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/davesdailyquotes.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/davesdailyquotes.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/davesdailyquotes.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=16048"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/davesdailyquotes.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/16048\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":16049,"href":"https:\/\/davesdailyquotes.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/16048\/revisions\/16049"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/davesdailyquotes.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=16048"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/davesdailyquotes.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=16048"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/davesdailyquotes.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=16048"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}