Category Women

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An English professor wrote the words, “Woman without her man is nothing” on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly. The men wrote: “Woman, without her man, is nothing.” The women wrote: “Woman: Without her, man is nothing.”

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If it were truly the thought that counted, more women would be pregnant.

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One of the most difficult things in the world is to convince a woman that even a bargain costs money.

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Girls just want to have funds. ~ Adrienne Gusoff

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A man should aim to think as much as a woman feels. ~ H. L. Mencken

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The most precious possession that ever comes to a man in this world is a woman’s heart. ~ Josiah G. Holland

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I saw a woman crying as she was buying tampons earlier. Must be going through a tough period in her life.

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A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who has never owned a car.  ~ Carrie Snow

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If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there are men on base. ~ Dave Barry

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Until Eve arrived, this was a man’s world.  ~ Richard Armour

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Age is to women like Kryptonite is to Superman. ~ Kathy Lette

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Men are from earth. Women are from earth.  Deal with it.

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AMNESIA (n): condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again. IMPREGNABLE (adj): a woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

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A girl’s legs are her best friends…but even the best of friends must part. ~ Redd Foxx

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PRENATAL:  When your life was still somewhat your own.

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I have never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don’t listen, they don’t come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they’re home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a […]

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Equality, HA!! If men and women were created equal, a judge in capital crime cases would have to make sure that women were hung like men.

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I want to start a women’s magazine called “Period.”  Some months I’ll send it out late just to freak out my subscribers.

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My wife says that the difference between a husband and childbirth is that one can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while the other is just having a baby.

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When I was younger I always felt like I was a boy trapped in a woman’s body. However, that changed when I was born.

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Is it true that doctors spank babies’ bottoms when they are born because it knocks the penis off of the dumb ones?

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She was a woman who, between courses, could be graceful with her elbows on the table. ~ Henry James

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She’ll never love you better than she loves her own children. ~ Mark Lawrence

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When you take a woman away from her man, what you get is a woman who can be taken away from her man. ~ Mark Lawrence

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By and large, the women involved in online dating are bi, and large.

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The bra section. The only place in the world where you fail if you get an A.

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Women, you are only helpless while your nail polish is wet.  Even then you could pull a trigger if you had to… ~ Anonymous

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Don’t think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.

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Cleavage is the only thing that you can look down on and approve of at the same time.

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I’m just a person trapped inside a woman’s body. ~ Elayne Boosler

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If we men married the woman we deserve, we should have a very tedious time of it. ~ Oscar Wilde

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A pessimist is a man who thinks all women are bad.  An optimist is a man who hopes they are.  ~ Chauncey Mitchell Depew

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A scientist in Australia has invented a bra which offers more support and prevents a woman’s breasts from bouncing up and down. After announcing his invention, the scientist was taken outside and beaten by a large group of men. ~ Conan O’Brien

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Nylons give women a run for their money.

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When a man talks dirty to a woman, it’s sexual harassment.  When a woman talks dirty to a man, it’s $3.95 a minute. ~ Anonymous

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Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned, Nor hell a fury like a woman scorned. ~ William Congreve

Great Female “Comebacks”

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Man:  “Hey, baby, what’s your sign?” Woman:  “Do not Enter!”   Man:  “Hey, come on, we’re both here at this bar for the same reason.” Woman:  “Yeah!  Let’s pick up some chicks!”   Man:  “Hey, cutie, how ’bout you and I hitting the hot spots?” Woman:  “Sorry, I don’t date outside my species..”   Man:  […]

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Women fall in love by what they hear. Men fall in love by what they see. That’s why most of the women put on make up and most of the men lie.

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Q. Why are married women heavier than single women? A. Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what’s in bed, and then go to the fridge.

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Easy:  A term used to describe a woman who has the morals of a man.

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A California cosmetic surgery practice is opening a new office where breast augmentation surgery is done on an outpatient basis in about 30 minutes.  They are going to call the practice Jiffy Boob.

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It is now quite lawful for a Catholic woman to avoid pregnancy by a resort to mathematics, though she is still forbidden to resort to physics and chemistry. ~ H.L. Mencken  

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A woman’s word is never done.  

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When a girl can read the handwriting on the wall, she may be in the wrong rest room.  

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If a man tells a woman she’s beautiful, she’ll overlook most of his other lies.  

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Women want one man to fulfill their every need. Men want every woman to fulfill their one need.  

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There are two ways for a lady to impress a man: 1. Show up naked 2. Bring beer.  

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The real religion of the world comes from women much more than from men–from mothers most of all, who carry the key of our souls in their bosoms. ~ Oliver Wendell Holmes  

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Let us leave the beautiful women to men with no imagination. ~ Marcel Proust  

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I expect Woman will be the last thing civilized by Man. ~ George Meredith