Category Sex (mixed bag)

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As you grow old, you lose interest in sex, your friends drift away and your children often ignore you. There are other advantages of course, but these are the outstanding ones. ~ Richard Needham

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Friends are like condoms, they protect you through hard times.

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How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? It’s not hard.

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Sex is not the most important thing in the world, but it ain’t third or fourth, either. ~ Joe E. Lewis

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My mother never breast fed me; she told me she only liked me as a friend. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

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When turkeys mate they think of swans. ~ Johnny Carson

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The Titanic is a great lesson of why just the tip can get you in a lot of trouble.

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We’ve had cloning in the South for years. It’s called cousins. ~ Robin Williams

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Sticks and stones may break my bones, but whips and chains excite me.

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AMNESIA (n): condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again. IMPREGNABLE (adj): a woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

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Touch it gently, put two fingers inside, if it’s wide use three fingers, make sure it’s wet and rub up and down. Yep, that’s how you wash a cup.

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A girl’s legs are her best friends…but even the best of friends must part. ~ Redd Foxx

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A 400 pound lady who likes both men and women is a bisexual built for two.

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I have an intense desire to return to the womb.  Anybody’s. ~ Woody Allen

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I once made love for an hour and fifteen minutes, but it was the night the clocks are set ahead. ~ Garry Shandling

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Equality, HA!! If men and women were created equal, a judge in capital crime cases would have to make sure that women were hung like men.

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Impotence: Nature’s Way Of Saying “No Hard Feelings.”

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Don’t join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.

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What do you call a generic engineering company in Italy?  Genitalia.

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When I was younger I always felt like I was a boy trapped in a woman’s body. However, that changed when I was born.

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Those small bumps around women’s nipples are Braille for “suck here.”

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The secret to getting rid of unwanted pubic hair is to spit.

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Sex makes you alert and ready to face the world… it’s an ideal substitute for a hot breakfast.

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In a cave, I found pictures of women’s breasts, but when I picked them up, a giant net fell on me.  It was a booby trap.

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What gets longer when pulled, fits between breasts, inserts neatly in a hole, and works best when jerked?  A Seatbelt!

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Cleavage is the only thing that you can look down on and approve of at the same time.

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Wouldn’t it be great if you could only get AIDS by giving money to television preachers? ~ Elayne Boosler

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A scientist in Australia has invented a bra which offers more support and prevents a woman’s breasts from bouncing up and down. After announcing his invention, the scientist was taken outside and beaten by a large group of men. ~ Conan O’Brien

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When a man talks dirty to a woman, it’s sexual harassment.  When a woman talks dirty to a man, it’s $3.95 a minute. ~ Anonymous

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Husbands are like fires. They go out when unattended. ~ Zsa Zsa Gabor

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Monogamy: A belief so strong that millions of people end perfectly good relationships in order to start another. ~ Anonymous

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Women fall in love by what they hear. Men fall in love by what they see. That’s why most of the women put on make up and most of the men lie.

Love / Lust / Marriage

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Love: When you take a bubble bath together Lust: When you take a bath in Jell-O together Marriage: When you give the kids a bath   Love: A romantic candle-light dinner for two Lust: “Do I have to buy you dinner first?” Marriage: 4 Happy Meals . . . to go   Love: Giving your […]

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A California cosmetic surgery practice is opening a new office where breast augmentation surgery is done on an outpatient basis in about 30 minutes.  They are going to call the practice Jiffy Boob.

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All I want is someone to hold me. And pay me for it. ~ Phil Simborg  

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A wedding ring should cut off the wearer’s circulation. ~ Gladiola Montana  

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The greatest cause of infidelity is a stalemate at home. ~ Anonymous  

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Chastity always takes its toll. In some it produces pimples; in others, sex laws. ~ Karl Kraus  

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I think my wife has had sixty-one boyfriends before me. She calls me her sixty second lover.  

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Women want one man to fulfill their every need. Men want every woman to fulfill their one need.  

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Confidence is sexy.  

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Monogamy leaves a lot to be desired. ~ Anonymous  

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There are two ways for a lady to impress a man: 1. Show up naked 2. Bring beer.  

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Impotence: nature’s way of saying,”No hard feelings.”  

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Let us leave the beautiful women to men with no imagination. ~ Marcel Proust  

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Never be unfaithful to a lover, except with your wife. ~ P. J. O’Rourke  

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Sorry I missed church. I’ve been busy practicing witchcraft and becoming a lesbian.  

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Wife was feeling romantic and told me to whisper her favorite words.  I said, “I’ll buy it for you.”  

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We’re all our fathers’ fastest swimmers.  

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The closest I ever came to a menage-a-trois was when I dated a schizophrenic. ~ Rita Rudner