Category Money

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Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position. ~ Christopher Marlow

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Last week Human Resources said they were going to garnish my wages.  Call me dense, but I fail to see how a sprig of parsley in my paycheck will make it any more attractive.  ~ David Henry

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Psychic:  An individual having an uncanny, seemingly supernatural, talent for extracting money from morons. ~ Charles Bufe

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Today’s pay slip has more deductions than a Sherlock Holmes novel.  ~ Raymond Cvikota

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Money makes money and the money money makes makes money. ~ Benjamin Franklin

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The person who writes the bank’s commercials is not the person who makes the loans.

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One of the most difficult things in the world is to convince a woman that even a bargain costs money.

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Girls just want to have funds. ~ Adrienne Gusoff

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A penny will hide the biggest star in the universe if you hold it close enough to your eye.

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People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up. ~ Ogden Nash

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I saw a truck today. Side of the door said, “Driver has no cash.” I’m broke, too, but I don’t plaster it all over the side of my car. ~ Margaret Smith

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I hope I don’t sound like an old-fashioned stick-in-the-mud, but when I hear about people making vast fortunes without doing any productive work or contributing anything to society, my reaction is: “How can I get in on that?” ~ Dave Barry

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We used to play spin the bottle when I was a kid. A girl would spin the bottle and if it pointed to you when it stopped, the girl could either kiss you or give you a dime. By the time I was 14, I owned my own home. ~ Gene Perret

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Money isn’t everything: usually, it isn’t even enough.

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It takes money to make money because you have to copy the design exactly.

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Strange things happen when you’re in debt. Two weeks ago, my car broke down and my phone got disconnected. I was one electric bill away from being Amish. ~ Tom Ryan

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I went to a cigarette factory in Kentucky a few years ago, took the tour. The employees there get free smokes. Which pretty much cuts down the pension plan.

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ABC News says Americans spend $300 billion every year on games of chance, and that doesn’t include weddings and elections. ~ Argus Hamilton

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IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.

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When your outgo exceeds your income your upkeep will be your downfall.

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America is the only country in the world where the poor have a parking problem.

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Life experiences are like quarters; you loose both when you sit around on the couch. ~ Anonymous

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Why does our culture consider supervising good work more deserving of respect and compensation than doing good work?

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Isn’t it interesting that the same people who laugh at science fiction listen to weather forecasts and economists. ~ Kelvin R. Throop III

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More is better, and even more is even better. ~ John Jacob Astor

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Your opinion of me has no cash value. ~ Uncle Andre (“We’re No Angels”)

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The more you have, the more you want … but the less you have, the wider the selection.

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The poor have voted Democrat for 50 years. They are still poor. ~ Charles Barkley

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It isn’t necessary to be rich and famous to be happy. It’s only necessary to be rich. ~ Alan Alda

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Attitude is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than what people do or say. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill. ~ W. C. Fields

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Some baseball players are going to make more money this year than Uganda.

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I’ve decided I’d like to get to know you all a lot better. Let’s start with banking information.

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The mint makes it first, it’s up to you to make it last. ~ Evan Esar

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Many of our ambitions are nipped in the budget.

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If it’s the thought that counts, think money.

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Among economists, the real world is often a special case.

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Politicians who dislike the restraints of highly organized economic research like to remark that a truly great research worker needs only three pieces of equipment–a pencil, a piece of paper, and a brain. But they quote this maxim more often at political banquets than at budget hearings.

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Nothing is so hard for those who abound in riches as to conceive how others can be in want. ~ Jonathan Swift

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Every time history repeats itself the price goes up.

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Christmas is the time when kids tell Santa what they want and adults pay for it. Deficits are when adults tell government what they want and their kids pay for it. ~ Richard Lamm

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 I don’t know what’s wrong with my television set. I was getting C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congressman. ~ Bruce Baum

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If you aren’t rich you should always look useful. ~ Louis-Ferdinand Celine

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It is no contradiction – the most important single thing we can do to stimulate investment in today’s economy is to raise consumption by major reduction of individual income tax rates. ~ John F. Kennedy

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I wish I had a dime for every dime I’ve had.

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I’m not the man I used to be, so why should I have to pay his debts? ~ Gary Apple

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I gave my wife plastic surgery—I cut up her credit cards. ~ Henny Youngman

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Even before Christmas has said Hello, it’s saying Buy Buy. ~ Robert Paul

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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.  ~ Phyllis Diller

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My father was cheap. Every year he’d say, “I’m glad Christmas comes but once every other year.”  ~ John Roy

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Trying to answer everyone’s questions–write yours on the back of a $20 dollar bill and send them to me.