Category Medical / Dental

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I went to my doctor and asked for something for persistent wind. He gave me a kite. ~ Les Dawson

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There’s more pressure on a vet to get it right. People say ‘It was God’s will’ when Granny dies, but they get angry when they lose a cow. ~ Terry Pratchett

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What do you get when you cross an elephant and a skin doctor? A Pachydermatologist

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A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who has never owned a car.  ~ Carrie Snow

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It’s easy to make a buck. It’s a lot tougher to make a difference. ~ Tom Brokaw

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The chest X-ray showed I had pimples on my left ventricle. I said, “Doc, what does that mean?” He said, “You’re still a teenager at heart.”

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50% of doctors graduated in the BOTTOM HALF of their class.

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Just when we learn to take things with a grain of salt, the doctor puts us on a salt-free diet.

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Schizophrenia may be a necessary consequence of literacy. ~ Marshall Mcluhan

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Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as 4′s?

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Is it true that doctors spank babies’ bottoms when they are born because it knocks the penis off of the dumb ones?

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Movie characters are always so awesome. If they wake up mysteriously in a hospital alone and beaten up, they just rip the IV right out of their arm and slip past the nurses. I would at least want to see my chart first, and maybe get some juice.

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Church is not a museum for saints, but rather a hospital for sinners. ~ Ann Landers

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Childhood cancer is the number one disease killer of children under age 15.

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Q: What is the difference between an HMO doctor and a seagull? A: A seagull can still make a significant deposit on a Mercedes.

What is a Pre-Existing Condition?

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I was hitting the ski slopes when a bizarre accident occurred. While fumbling my way off a chair lift, another chair hit me from behind and knocked me out cold. I woke up with a headache, in a hospital bed and immediately called my insurance company. After explaining what happened the insurance rep said, “We’re […]

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Health insurance is like hospital gowns; you only think you‘re covered.

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I was once thrown out of a mental hospital for depressing the other patients. ~ Oscar Levant

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I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island.  It turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

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Time is shortening. But every day that I challenge this cancer and survive is a victory for me. ~ Ingrid Bergman

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Acupuncture is a jab well done.

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Q: What does the dentist of the year get? A.: A little plaque.

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What do you give a man who has everything?  Antibiotics.

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A California cosmetic surgery practice is opening a new office where breast augmentation surgery is done on an outpatient basis in about 30 minutes.  They are going to call the practice Jiffy Boob.

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A neurotic is a man who builds a castle in the air.  A psychotic is the man who lives in it.  A psychiatrist is the man who collects the rent. ~ Jerome Lawrence

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Some people are so sensitive they’d feel snubbed if an epidemic overlooked them.  

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As you get older, don’t let society tell you what you can and can’t do. That’s what arthritis is for.  

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Psychiatry is the care of the id by the odd.    

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I was a boring child. Whenever we played doctor, the other children always made me the anesthesiologist. ~ Rita Rudner  

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Reality check:  you can never, ever, use weight loss to solve problems that are not related to your weight.  At your goal weight or not, you still have to live with yourself and deal with your problems.  You will still have the same husband, the same job, the same kids, and the same life.  Losing weight […]

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Medical insurance is what allows people to be ill at ease! ~ Alfred E. Neuman  

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Murphy’s Law of Medicine:  Before ordering a medical test decide what you will do if the test is positive, or negative.  If both answers are the same, don’t do the test.  

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I try to be positive.  Except on medical tests.  

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If pain could have cured us we should long ago have been saved. ~ George Santayana  

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I’m trying very hard to be the man my doctor medicates me to be.  

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Thought I was inconsonant.  Turns out I have irritable vowel syndrome.  

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A baby was born laughing and giggling really hard with its fists closed!  The confused doctor unfolded its tiny fingers and found a birth control pill.  

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Reality is therapy. ~ Linda Martinic

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Doctor to patient:  I have good news and bad news.  The good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.  

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Youth is a disease from which we all recover. ~ Dorothy Fuldheim  

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Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies. ~ Jordan Yuscavage  

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An ad for one Church has a picture of two hands holding stone tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed and a headline that reads, “For fast,  fast relief, take two tablets.”    ++  

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Urologists don’t have to advertise.  They just open up an office and the patients come trickling in.  

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Did you hear about the guy who thought asphalt was a rectal problem?  

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I’m so old they’ve canceled my blood type. ~ Bob Hope    ++  

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I feel the same way about disco as I do about herpes. ~ Hunter S. Thompson  

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A hypochondriac’s life is a bed of neuroses.  

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I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.  ++  

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A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree. ~ Spike Milligan  

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Be careful–the last person using this keyboard had a terminal disease.