Category Puns

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Last week Human Resources said they were going to garnish my wages.  Call me dense, but I fail to see how a sprig of parsley in my paycheck will make it any more attractive.  ~ David Henry

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Adam to Eve: I’ll wear the plants in this family!

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What kind of shoes do frogs wear? Open toad!

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Can a hooker get layed off?

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Lite: the new way to spell “Light,” now with 20% fewer letters!

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Far too many writers rely on the classic formula of a beginning, a muddle, and an end. ~ Philip Carlin

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You know, great names in science come and go…but Ampere will always be current.

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Do gay termites eat woodpeckers?

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What do you call a camel with a head on each end? A palindromedary!

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What do fish say when they hit a concrete wall? Dam!

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Q: What do you get when you cross an ethernet with an income statement? A: A local area networth.

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I’ll be ill if you remove the apostrophe.

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I think men who lose their penis should be remembered.

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Police arrested a man who robbed a bank while Tweeting about it. He’s hoping for a short sentence.

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Before I can retaliate, does someone first have to taliate?

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Did you hear about the cat that swallowed the duck?  He became a duck-filled fatty-puss.

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I was lonely driving here tonight so I hugged the road. ~ Jay London

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I wanted to take up music, so my father bought me a blunt instrument. He told me to knock myself out. ~ Jay London

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I knew a girl who went to Beauty College and flunked cosmetics. They let her take a make up exam.

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What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.

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If a wolf can take down a deer from either flank, does that make him bambidextrous?

12 Bible Puns

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Q:         What kind of man was Boaz before he married Ruth? A:         Ruthless.   Q:         What do they call pastors in Germany? A:         German Shepherds.   Q:         Who was the greatest financier in the Bible? A:         Noah.  He was floating his stock while everyone else was in […]

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The new baby is like royalty; he’s the prince of wails.

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Last week, I went to a furniture store to look for a decaffeinated coffee table.

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Is your holier side your altar ego?

Screw in a light-bulb?

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Q: How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a suprising twist at the end.   Q: How many boring people does it take to change a light bulb? A: One.   Q: […]

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On my first day of school my parents dropped me off at the wrong nursery. There I was…surrounded by trees and bushes.

Six Groaners

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Q.  Why can’t a woman ask for help from her brother? A.  He can’t be a brother and assist her, too.   Q.  What do TV reporters wear under their pants? A.  News briefs   Q.  What do frogs wear for a night out on the town? A.  Jumpsuits.   Q.  How can you tell […]

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PRENATAL:  When your life was still somewhat your own.

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So, do you comb hair often?

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When two egotists meet, it’s an I for an I.

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Someone from the Gyno Colleges called.  They said the Pabst Beer is fine.  I thought you didn’t like beer?”  (note left by a husband)

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If you saw with a sawhorse, do you seesaw with a seahorse?

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Half-aloof is better than none.

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Don’t undertake vast projects with half-vast ideas.

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Radioactive halibut will make fission chips.

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What nationality is Santa Claus? North Polish.

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Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.

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A good pun is its own reword.

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Equality, HA!! If men and women were created equal, a judge in capital crime cases would have to make sure that women were hung like men.

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Did Noah keep his bees in archives?

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Are part-time bandleaders semi-conductors?

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Thought about becoming a witch. I tried it for a spell.

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I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the axe.  After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn’t suited for it. Mainly because it was a so-so job.  Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was exhausting.

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Don’t join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.

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I recently bought a second keyboard.  Now I can indulge in some stereotyping.

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LeAnn Rimes. No it doesn’t

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I had to do a presentation on children’s playground equipment. So I did a slide show.

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Double negatives are a no-no.

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Cashiers are always checking me out.