Category Jokes

The Meaning of Service

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At one time in my life, I thought I understood the meaning of the word “service.”  The act of doing things for other people.  Then I heard the terms Internal Revenue Service, Postal Service, Civil Service, Service Stations . . . .   And I became confused about the word “service.”  This is not what […]

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Q:  Where is the ocean the deepest? A:  On the bottom.  

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Knock, Knock. Who’s there? Opportunity. Don’t be silly–opportunity doesn’t knock twice!  

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If it weren’t for capitol punishment, we wouldn’t have Easter. ~ Bill Hicks  

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Why does a blonde keep empty beer bottles in her fridge? They’re there for those who don’t drink.  ++  

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Did you hear about the blonde that sold her car for gas money?  ++  

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What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an unwilling agnostic and a dyslexic? You get someone who stays up all night torturing himself mentally over the question of whether or not there’s a dog. ~ David Foster Wallace  

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What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies?  Snowballs.  

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Medical insurance is what allows people to be ill at ease! ~ Alfred E. Neuman  

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Pray, v.:  To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy. ~ Ambrose Bierce  

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What do you call three feet of trash?  A junk yard.    ++  

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Gerrold’s Laws of Infernal Dynamics: 1) An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong direction. 2) An object at rest will always be in the wrong place. 3) The energy required to change either one of these states will always be more than you wish to expend, but never so much as […]

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A precocious kid asks his mom, “Mommy, can you get pregnant from anal sex?” Mom:  ”Of course, darling, where do you think lawyers come from?”  

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Who was bigger… Mrs. Bigger or her baby? Her baby was a little Bigger!  

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What is the difference between a golfer and a sky-diver? The golfer goes ‘whack’ – “damn”. The sky-diver goes “damn” – ‘whack.’  

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I bought a piece of furniture last night, but when I woke up it was gone.  Who knew they made one night stands!?  

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How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? One, but you can never change it back again.  

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Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender asks, “Olive or twist?”

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Your might be a redneck if reading a sign that says “Say No To Crack!” reminds you to pull up your jeans. ~ Attributed to Jeff Foxworthy

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Your might be a redneck if  your dog and your wallet are both on chains. ~ Attributed to Jeff Foxworthy  

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Your might be a redneck if  you’ve ever financed a tattoo. ~ Attributed to Jeff Foxworthy

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Your might be a redneck if  you think a Volvo is part of a woman’s anatomy. ~ Attributed to Jeff Foxworthy  

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Your might be a redneck if  you think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader. ~ Attributed to Jeff Foxworthy

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You might be a redneck if  you prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland. ~ Attributed to Jeff Foxworthy

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You might be a redneck if your family tree doesn’t fork.  ~ Attributed to Jeff Foxworthy  

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You might be a redneck if you consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment. ~ Attributed to Jeff Foxworthy

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God doesn’t discriminate … only religions do.  

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Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth…AMEN.  

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Here’s a joke for all you mind readers out there….

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Interesting, isn’t it, that the Pope drives around in a car with bulletproof glass in the window.  Jesus Christ never wore nail-proof gloves, though, did he? ~ John Dowie

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Our company does not discriminate on the basis of race, sex, age, or religion… unless the religions are bizarre and unpopular and can be considered cults (and so may be freely discriminated against), or you are a short, fat, bald, ugly guy (and can be picked on without restraint), or are a nerd, smoker, or […]

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The nice thing about having your body as your temple is, you get to worship as you please. ~ Greg Titus  

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Doctor to patient:  I have good news and bad news.  The good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.  

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A person reveals his character by nothing so clearly as the joke he resents. ~ Georg Christoph Lichtenberg  

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No Thing is original.  It says it right there in the Bible.  Ecclesiastes:  That which has been is what will be, that which is done is what will be done, and there is nothing new under the sun. [1:9]  

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Test a psychic’s ability with a knock-knock joke.  If they say “Who’s there?”–leave immediately.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

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Why did the chicken cross the road? Deregulation of the chicken’s side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its […]

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What is the difference between Humor and Odor?  Humor is a Shift of Whit!  

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Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich. ~ Napoleon  

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The command, ‘Be fruitful and multiply’, was promulgated, according to our authorities, when the population of the world consisted of two persons. ~ Dean William R. Inge  

A Rabbi, a Lawyer, and a Priest…

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A rabbi, a lawyer, and a priest are on the Titanic.  They rush to the lifeboat and as they get in, the rabbi says:  ’What about the children?’  The lawyer says:  ’Screw the children!’  The priest says:  ’Do you think we have time?’

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I’m not into that one-night stand thing.  I think a person should get to know someone and even be in love with them before you use and degrade them. ~ Steve Martin (SNL)  

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B.I.B.L.E. =  Basic Information Before Leaving Earth

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What do you call a bunch of morons standing on a corner eating apples, drinking Tab, and singing songs? The moron Tab-n-apple choir.  

Friends vs. Southern Friends

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Friends:                         Never ask for food. Southern Friends:     Always bring the food.    ++     Friends:                         Say yes, that looks good on you. Southern Friends:     Say … what the hell are you wearing    ++     Friends:                         Will say ‘hello.’ Southern Friends:     Will give you a big hug and a […]

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ME:  Doctor, I been having some trouble with my hearing.   Doc:  Can you describe the symptoms.   Me:  Sure. Marge has blue hair, and Homer is fat!

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Past, Present and Future walked into a bar.  It was tense.

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Urologists don’t have to advertise.  They just open up an office and the patients come trickling in.  

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What do you call a line of rabbits walking backwards?  A receding hare line.  

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Why did the gum cross the road?  It was stuck to the chicken’s foot.