Category Jokes

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Jose & Carlos are panhandling on the street. Jose drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend. Carlos only brings in 2 to 3 dollars a day. Carlos asks Jose how he can bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day. Jose says “Look […]

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An English professor wrote the words, “Woman without her man is nothing” on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly. The men wrote: “Woman, without her man, is nothing.” The women wrote: “Woman: Without her, man is nothing.”

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What’s wrong with telling a lawyer joke?  Lawyers don’t think they’re funny and no one else thinks they’re jokes.

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What do you get when you cross an elephant and a skin doctor? A Pachydermatologist

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Two gay guys were dancing when one said to the other, “Why do you always get an erection when we dance together?” The other replied, “Because you dance like an asshole!”

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The chest X-ray showed I had pimples on my left ventricle. I said, “Doc, what does that mean?” He said, “You’re still a teenager at heart.”

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Why is it difficult to open a piano? Because all the keys are inside!

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If you’re born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

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A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.   As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.  Without missing a beat she said, “Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.”

12 Bible Puns

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Q:         What kind of man was Boaz before he married Ruth? A:         Ruthless.   Q:         What do they call pastors in Germany? A:         German Shepherds.   Q:         Who was the greatest financier in the Bible? A:         Noah.  He was floating his stock while everyone else was in […]

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Is your holier side your altar ego?

Screw in a light-bulb?

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Q: How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a suprising twist at the end.   Q: How many boring people does it take to change a light bulb? A: One.   Q: […]

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A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, “The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.” His son asked, “What happened to the flea?”

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Jokes are grievances. ~ Marshall Mcluhan

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Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as 4′s?

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What did the Zen Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor? Make me one with everything.

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There were computers in Biblical times. Eve had an Apple.

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If a case of the clap spreads is it called applause?

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Seeing her friend Sally wearing a new locket, Meg asks if there is a memento of some sort inside.  “Yes,” says Sally, “a lock of my husband’s hair.” “But Larry’s still alive.” “I know, but his hair is gone.”

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Did you hear about the blonde who thought an innuendo is an Italian suppository?

Food Riddles

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Question: You throw away the outside and cook the inside. Then you eat the outside and throw away the inside.  What did you eat? Answer: Corn on the cob   Question: What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter? Answer: Pumpkin pi   Question: What was green and […]

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What’s Irish and stays out all night? Patty O’Furniture.

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Q: How many brewers does it take to change a light bulb? A: One-third less than for a regular bulb.

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A prison inmate had his prosthetic leg confiscated after he used it in a brawl with another prisoner. When the inmate found out the authorities were taking away his leg, he was hopping mad.

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A ten-year-old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible.  Then one day she floored her grandmother by asking, “Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus:  the Virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?”

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I have decided to write all my jokes in capitals from now on.  This one was written in London.

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3 quickie bar jokes: Two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks. A magician walks down an alley and turns into a bar. A dyslexic guy walks into a bra.

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An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German were all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling. The juggler noticed that the four gentlemen had a very poor view, so he stood up on a large wooden box and asked if they could see him.  They replied:  Yes Oui Si Ja.  

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Q: What is the difference between an HMO doctor and a seagull? A: A seagull can still make a significant deposit on a Mercedes.

What is a Pre-Existing Condition?

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I was hitting the ski slopes when a bizarre accident occurred. While fumbling my way off a chair lift, another chair hit me from behind and knocked me out cold. I woke up with a headache, in a hospital bed and immediately called my insurance company. After explaining what happened the insurance rep said, “We’re […]

You Know You’re in a Redneck Church when….

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1. You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if … The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.   2. You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if … People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether […]

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When blondes have more fun, do they know it?

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The trouble with political jokes is that they get elected. ~ Henry Cate VII

Might be a Redneck if…

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You might be a redneck if: Your toilet paper has page numbers on it. Jack Daniel’s makes your list of “Most Admired People.” You’ve been married three times and still have the same in-laws. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV. […]

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Easy:  A term used to describe a woman who has the morals of a man.

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Q: What does the dentist of the year get? A.: A little plaque.

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A California cosmetic surgery practice is opening a new office where breast augmentation surgery is done on an outpatient basis in about 30 minutes.  They are going to call the practice Jiffy Boob.

A Right Way And A Wrong Way to Ask…

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Two Jesuit priests both wanted a cigarette while they prayed. They decided to ask their bishop for permission. The first asked but was told no. A little while later he spotted his friend smoking. “Why did the Bishop allow you to smoke and not me?” he asked. “Because you asked if you could smoke while […]

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It is now quite lawful for a Catholic woman to avoid pregnancy by a resort to mathematics, though she is still forbidden to resort to physics and chemistry. ~ H.L. Mencken  

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Mentioning Jesus in speeches is small government.   Doing what Jesus asks is big government. ~ Stephen Colbert  

A Massive Dose of Steven Wright…

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I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.  ~ Steven Wright   Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?  ~ Steven Wright   Isn’t Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?  ~ Steven Wright   How come abbreviated is such a long word?  ~ […]

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What does a blonde say when she sees a banana skin on the floor? Oh great… I’m gonna trip again.  ++  

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If your family tree is a straight line, you’re a Redneck.  

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What is 8 divided in two parts? Vertically it is 3; horizontally it is 0    

How to Smile Daily

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1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars.  See if they slow down.   2. On all your check stubs, write “For Marijuana.”   ++   3. Skip down the street rather than walk, and see how many looks you get.   4. Order […]

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For all you do, His blood’s for you!  

Chuck Norris, anyone?

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Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits. Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.  ++ Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is. If at first you don’t succeed, you’re not Chuck Norris. If you work in an office with Chuck Norris, don’t ask him for […]

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A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.  

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Give me some of that old-time Religion…HAIL ZEUS!  

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Psychiatry is the care of the id by the odd.