Category Religion

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A sermon can help people in different ways. Some rise from it greatly strengthened, others wake up from it greatly refreshed.

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Who are you to question why your god doesn’t want me to believe in him?

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There needs to be a thorough examination, by Muslims everywhere, of why it is that the faith they love breeds so many violent mutant strains. ~ Salman Rushdie, Washington Post, Sept 2001

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Computer people have often spoken of the “gigo” effect, standing for “garbage in – garbage out.” What gives some of us chills is the thought of a second meaning of “gigo”: “garbage in – gospel out.” It can happen here.

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If you can’t reach heaven, raise hell. Flectere si nequeo superos, Acheronta movebo. ~ Virgil, The Aeneid

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The missionaries go forth to Christianize the savages – as if the savages weren’t dangerous enough already. ~ Edward Abbey

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Blessed are the Fundamentalists, for they shall inhibit the earth.

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Atheists don’t solve exponential equations because they don’t believe in higher powers.

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Death is not extinguishing the light. It is putting out the lamp because the dawn has come.

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There’s more pressure on a vet to get it right. People say ‘It was God’s will’ when Granny dies, but they get angry when they lose a cow. ~ Terry Pratchett

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God gave us two ends–one to sit on and one to think with. Success depends on which one you use. Head you win, tail you lose. ~ Anonymous

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Jesus loves you; it’s everybody else that thinks you’re an ass.

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And on the eighth day God said, “O.K. Murphy. You take over.”

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Every man is as Heaven made him, and sometimes a great deal worse. ~ Miguel de Cervantes

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Don’t pray when it rains if you don’t pray when the sun shines. ~ Satchel Paige

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If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name? ~ Billy Connolly

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If Jesus had been killed twenty years ago, Catholic school children would be wearing little electric chairs around their necks instead of crosses. ~ Lenny Bruce

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Why do you think the old stories tell of men who set out on great journeys to impress the gods? Because trying to impress people just isn’t worth the time and effort. ~ Henry Rollins

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O Lord, grant that we may always be right, for Thou knowest we will never change our minds. ~ Anonymous

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If you’re born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

12 Bible Puns

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Q:         What kind of man was Boaz before he married Ruth? A:         Ruthless.   Q:         What do they call pastors in Germany? A:         German Shepherds.   Q:         Who was the greatest financier in the Bible? A:         Noah.  He was floating his stock while everyone else was in […]

Screw in a light-bulb?

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Q: How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a suprising twist at the end.   Q: How many boring people does it take to change a light bulb? A: One.   Q: […]

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A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, “The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.” His son asked, “What happened to the flea?”

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Nearly everyone is in favor of going to heaven but too many are hoping they’ll live long enough to see an easing of the entrance requirements.

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The trouble with theocracy is that everyone wants to be Theo. ~ James Dunn

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You know your god is man-made when he hates all the same people you do.

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It is a truism that almost any sect, cult, or religion will legislate its creed into law if it acquires the political power to do so. ~ Robert A. Heinlein

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Miracles are great, but they are so damned unpredictable.

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If triangles had a God, He’d have three sides. ~ Old Yiddish proverb

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Don’t join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.

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What did the Zen Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor? Make me one with everything.

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There were computers in Biblical times. Eve had an Apple.

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Church is not a museum for saints, but rather a hospital for sinners. ~ Ann Landers

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It may occur to you to wonder, what if Jesus had actually said, “The geek shall inherit the earth,” but was just misquoted?  Then you’ll start to worry…

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When someone prays for a flood to stop, they’re basically saying, “God, dam it.”

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Ritual is what we do when we run out of rational. ~ Gregory House

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Where did bigots get the idea that God is as small-minded as they are? ~ Wolfman Jack

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Santa scrambled is Satan.  Coincidence?  I think not!

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God has angels to help with her work, the devil has politicians. ~ Anonymous

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And with the morn those angel faces smile Which I have loved long since and lost awhile. ~ John Henry Newman

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The soul does not give up to despair until it has exhausted all illusions. ~ Victor Hugo

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The first condition of immortality is death. ~ Stanislaw J. Lec

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Being an atheist isn’t too bad until someone dies.

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A ten-year-old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible.  Then one day she floored her grandmother by asking, “Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus:  the Virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?”

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Wouldn’t it be great if you could only get AIDS by giving money to television preachers? ~ Elayne Boosler

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If, after I depart this vale, you ever remember me and have thought to please my ghost, forgive some sinner and wink your eye at some homely girl.  ~ H.L. Mencken

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Cult: a small unpopular religion. Religion: a large popular cult.

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Gluttony is not a secret vice.

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Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned, Nor hell a fury like a woman scorned. ~ William Congreve

You Know You’re in a Redneck Church when….

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1. You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if … The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.   2. You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if … People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether […]