Category Food

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Cooking tip: Wrap turkey leftovers in aluminum foil and throw them out.  ~ Nicole Hollander

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The watermelons in my garden are so big it wouldn’t take many to make a dozen.

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Monday’s special: two Valiums with a coffee chaser.

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If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee. ~ Abraham Lincoln

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The last time I cooked this, hardly anyone got sick…

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Got more time for misbehaving / since I started microwaving!

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Countless numbers of people have eaten in our kitchen and went on to live perfectly normal lives.

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She was like chocolate when she drank… semi sweet at first and then bitter as she drank more.

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To work at Starbucks, should you have graduated Magna Cum Latte?

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I try to watch what I eat and yet my eyes just aren’t quick enough.

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Probably nothing in the world arouses more false hopes than the first four hours of a diet. ~ Dan Bennett

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Life isn’t like a box of chocolates… it’s more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today might burn your ass tomorrow.

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The big thing about prunes is the way they look. If prunes could move, you’d whack ‘em with your shoe.

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My next house will have no kitchen, only vending machines.

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My wild oats have turned to shredded wheat!

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What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.

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Some go on a diet while most are merely wishful shrinkers. ~ Evan Esar

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Thank God for dirty dishes, They have a tale to tell; While others may go hungry, We’re eating very well. ~ Anonymous

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Last week, I went to a furniture store to look for a decaffeinated coffee table.

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Just when we learn to take things with a grain of salt, the doctor puts us on a salt-free diet.

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Radioactive halibut will make fission chips.

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On a low budget? Scrape the toothpaste that gets stuck on the side of your bathroom sink from time to time and freeze it. It makes wonderful party mints at Christmastime.  ~ Steve Morris

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What did the Zen Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor? Make me one with everything.

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Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood.  So, logically, pancakes are more important than family.

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And quit bringing up our forefathers and saying they were civil libertarians. Our founding fathers would have never tolerated any of this crap. For God’s sake, they were blowing peoples’ heads off because they put a tax on their breakfast beverage. And it wasn’t even coffee. ~ Dennis Miller

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Have food–will work for money.

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I have no beef with vegetarians.

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I deserted my wife last night. I gave her a big bowl of chocolate pudding.

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 ”Live Long and Prosper”  ~ Vulcan proverb “And Eat Well” ~Jewish addendum to Vulcan proverb “Feast On Your Enemies!” ~ Klingon interpretation of Jewish addendum to Vulcan proverb

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I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

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A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

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I make serious coffee – so strong it wakes up the neighbors.

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I don’t eat snails… I prefer fast food!

Food Riddles

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Question: You throw away the outside and cook the inside. Then you eat the outside and throw away the inside.  What did you eat? Answer: Corn on the cob   Question: What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter? Answer: Pumpkin pi   Question: What was green and […]

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With proper diet, rest, and exercise a healthy body will last a lifetime.

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Cooking lesson #1: don’t fry bacon in the nude.

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Every now and then you meet a bore who is so dull that he can even put a cup of coffee to sleep.

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No diet will remove all the fat from your body because the brain is entirely fat. Without a brain, you might look good, but all you could do is run for public office. ~ George Bernard Shaw

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Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the Titanic who waved off the dessert cart.~ Erma Bombeck

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A child, like your stomach, doesn’t need all you can afford to give it. ~ Frank A. Clark

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I used to work as a waiter. The pay wasn’t great but it put food on the table.

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Somebody called me pretentious the other day.  I nearly choked on my latte.

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Cooking Tip: Raw toast is an ideal bread substitute.

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Don’t tell me you have a chocolate lab if you’re just talking about a kind of dog. ~ Chase Mitchell

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Ham and eggs…a day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig. ~ Anonymous

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Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife. ~ Anonymous

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A long knife has been invented that cuts four loaves of bread at a time; it’s called a four loaf cleaver.

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An idealist is one who, on noticing that a rose smells better than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup. ~ H. L. Mencken

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Gluttony is not a secret vice.

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My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned; I couldn’t concentrate.