Category Children / babies

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As you grow old, you lose interest in sex, your friends drift away and your children often ignore you. There are other advantages of course, but these are the outstanding ones. ~ Richard Needham

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Promises are like babies: fun to make, but hell to deliver.

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If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there are men on base. ~ Dave Barry

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Never help a child with a task at which he feels he can succeed. ~ Maria Montessori

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My mother never breast fed me; she told me she only liked me as a friend. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

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Children have always looked up to cowboys as role models. And vice versa.

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The hardest part about being a kid is knowing you have got your whole life ahead of you. ~ Jane Wagner

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The new baby is like royalty; he’s the prince of wails.

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Christmas is the time when kids tell Santa what they want and adults pay for it. Deficits are when adults tell government what they want and their kids pay for it. ~ Richard Lamm

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Troubles are a lot like babies, they grow larger if you nurse them. Don’t let a moment of time make you unhappy forever.

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Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.

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My wife says that the difference between a husband and childbirth is that one can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while the other is just having a baby.

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Is it true that doctors spank babies’ bottoms when they are born because it knocks the penis off of the dumb ones?

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I never reprimand a boy in the evening–darkness and a troubled mind are a poor combination. ~ Frank L. Boyden

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She’ll never love you better than she loves her own children. ~ Mark Lawrence

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I had to do a presentation on children’s playground equipment. So I did a slide show.

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Every generation imagines itself to be more intelligent than the one that went before it, and wiser than the one that comes after it. ~ George Orwell

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Only a child sees things with perfect clarity, because it hasn’t developed all those filters which prevent us from seeing things that we don’t expect to see. ~ Douglas Adams

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I would be most content if my children grew up to be the kind of people who think decorating consists mostly of building enough bookshelves. ~ Anna Quindien

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Childhood cancer is the number one disease killer of children under age 15.

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Each day of our lives we make deposits in the memory banks of our children. ~ Charles R. Swindoll

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At the mall I saw a kid on a leash. Ha.  All of mine were cordless.

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Too many parents tie up their dogs and allow their children to run loose.

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A child, like your stomach, doesn’t need all you can afford to give it. ~ Frank A. Clark

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At the mall I saw a kid on a leash. And I think if I ever have a kid, it’s gonna be cordless. ~ Wendy Liebman

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My wife can’t have children. She’s inconceivable.

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I can’t mate in captivity. ~ Gloria Steinem (on why she has never married)

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Seen on a baby bib:  This dummy put my cape on backwards.  

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The best years of your life are when the kids are old enough to help shovel the snow but too young to drive a car.  

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A child’s life is like a piece of paper on which every person leaves a mark. ~ proverb  

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My child was Trustee of the Month at Folsom!!  

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We’re all our fathers’ fastest swimmers.  

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You don’t have favorites among your children, but you do have allies.  ~ Zadie Smith  

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Can you remember when day-care centers were called home?  

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Whenever I’m sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches… ~ Anonymous

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I was a boring child. Whenever we played doctor, the other children always made me the anesthesiologist. ~ Rita Rudner  

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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them. ~ Phyllis Diller  

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Yes, children are deductible, but they also can be taxing.  

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I have an 18-year-old; her name is Alexis.  I chose that name because if I hadn’t had her, I’d be driving one.  ~ Robin Fairbanks  

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Pregnancy is amazing.  To think, you can create a human being with just the things you have around the house. ~ Shang  

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Advice to children crossing the street:  Damn the lights.  Watch the cars.  The lights ain’t never killed nobody.  ~ Moms Mabley  

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Did you hear about the biologist who had twins?  She baptized one and kept the other as a control.  

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Always kiss your children goodnight, even if they’re already asleep. ~ H. Jackson Brown, Jr  

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Remember that children, marriages, and flower gardens reflect the kind of care they get. ~ H. Jackson Brown, Jr.  

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Teaching a child not to step on a caterpillar is as valuable to the child as it is to the caterpillar. ~ Bradley Millar  

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Knowing how people grow, does not mean we know how to grow them. ~  Richard Farson  

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I may be a twin but I’m one of a kind.  ~ Anonymous  

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The hardest job kids face today is learning good manners without seeing any. ~ Fred Astaire  

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The child is father to the man. ~ William Wordsworth  

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I sleep like a baby every night.  I wake up every three or four hours and cry.