Category Funny Facebook Status Ideas

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I am one of the greatest liars in the English language–I wouldn’t be telling you this if I didn’t know it wasn’t true.

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Circular Definition:  see Circular Definition

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Call me and ask about my vow of silence.

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By God, for a moment there it all made sense…

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It’s all fun and games till somebody loses an eye. Then it’s fun and games you can’t see.

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That which does not kill me may wish to hell it had….

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If life gives you lemons juggle them.

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The way to a man’s heart is to saw his sternum open.

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Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody is looking. ~ H. L. Mencken

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It’s not the pace of life that concerns me; it’s the sudden stop at the end.

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If it were truly the thought that counted, more women would be pregnant.

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If I’m ignorant, that’s the first I’ve heard of it!

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If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

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I before E except after C. We live in a weird society!

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Cooking tip: Wrap turkey leftovers in aluminum foil and throw them out.  ~ Nicole Hollander

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I read this article. It said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, smoking too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? This is my idea of a great day!  ~ Monica Piper

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Money is the root of all wealth.

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No man knows his true character until he has run out of gas, purchased something on the installment plan, and raised an adolescent. ~ Marcelene Cox

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One of the most difficult things in the world is to convince a woman that even a bargain costs money.

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Life is like soccer… you need goals!

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There is no “I” in slut…..but there is a “U.”

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I’m going to go and find myself.  If I’m back before I return, keep me here until I come home!

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It’s funny how you think I’m listening….

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I prefer to describe myself as a ‘contemporary anthropological interactive observer’ because “stalker” sounds bad.

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You can better lose a lover than love a loser.

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Friends are like condoms, they protect you through hard times.

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Passwords are like underwear: change them often.

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I’m knot dumb!

30 Ways To Deal With Stress

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1. Jam miniature marshmallows up your nose and sneeze them out. See how many you can do at a time.   2. Use your MasterCard to pay your Visa and vice-versa.   3. Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.   4. When someone says “have a nice day”, tell them you have other […]

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The world is round; it has no point. ~ Adrienne Gusoff

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If you live your life with your head up your a**, you’ll always experience the same old s**t.

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Girls just want to have funds. ~ Adrienne Gusoff

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What’s wrong with telling a lawyer joke?  Lawyers don’t think they’re funny and no one else thinks they’re jokes.

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Always specify that your drive-through order is to go.

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Take life with a grain of salt… a slice of lime, and a shot of tequila.

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The watermelons in my garden are so big it wouldn’t take many to make a dozen.

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Computer people have often spoken of the “gigo” effect, standing for “garbage in – garbage out.” What gives some of us chills is the thought of a second meaning of “gigo”: “garbage in – gospel out.” It can happen here.

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If you can’t reach heaven, raise hell. Flectere si nequeo superos, Acheronta movebo. ~ Virgil, The Aeneid

Grandkids…

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My granddaughter came to spend a few weeks with me, and I decided to teach her to sew. After I had gone through a lengthy explanation of how to thread the machine, she stepped back, put her hands on her hips, and said in disbelief, “You mean you can do all that, but you can’t […]

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Beat the 5 O’clock rush: leave work at noon!

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The missionaries go forth to Christianize the savages – as if the savages weren’t dangerous enough already. ~ Edward Abbey

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Monday’s special: two Valiums with a coffee chaser.

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Never mess up an apology with an excuse.

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Do not hit at all if it can be avoided, but never hit softly. ~ Theodore Roosevelt

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The difference between boogers and broccoli? Kids won’t eat broccoli.

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If Israelites come from Israel, then what come from Paris?

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Wooden shoe rather be Dutch?

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God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway… The good fortune to run into the ones I do… And the eyesight to tell the difference!

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Adam to Eve: I’ll wear the plants in this family!

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Everyone is beautiful if you squint a bit.