Category Funny Facebook Status Ideas

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As you grow old, you lose interest in sex, your friends drift away and your children often ignore you. There are other advantages of course, but these are the outstanding ones. ~ Richard Needham

Eleven Step Guide to Being Handy Around the House

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Eleven Step Guide to Being Handy Around the House By Robert Fulghum, from his book titled “Maybe, Maybe Not!” 1. If you can’t find a screwdriver, use a knife. If you break off the tip, it’s an improved screwdriver. 2. Try to work alone. An audience is rarely any help. 3. Despite what you may […]

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I don’t think you are stupid. You just have bad luck when thinking.

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In the end, success is not about who you know, it’s about you know who. ~ Robert Braul

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If at first you don’t succeed, do it like your mother told you.

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The beginning of success is to be different; the beginning of failure is to be the same.

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Forgive me for allowing myself to be hurt by you so easily. ~ Ashleigh Brilliant

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How can there ever possibly be a conflict between my private interests and the public good? ~ Ashleigh Brilliant

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Always believe your superiors, if you have any. ~ Mark Twain

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You can’t be that good; you work for me.

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Do you think sheep know when you’re pulling the wool over their eyes?

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The word good has many meanings. For example, if a man were to shoot his grandmother at a range of five hundred yards, I should call him a good shot, but not necessarily a good man. ~ Chesterton

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Blow your mind — smoke gunpowder.

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Turtles never hurdle.

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If you say something stupid and no one disagrees, then you know you’re the boss. ~ Phil Simborg

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It’s funny that pirates were always going around searching for treasure, and they never realized that the real treasure was the fond memories they were creating.  ~ Jack Handey

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Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position. ~ Christopher Marlow

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Last week Human Resources said they were going to garnish my wages.  Call me dense, but I fail to see how a sprig of parsley in my paycheck will make it any more attractive.  ~ David Henry

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Psychic:  An individual having an uncanny, seemingly supernatural, talent for extracting money from morons. ~ Charles Bufe

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Today’s pay slip has more deductions than a Sherlock Holmes novel.  ~ Raymond Cvikota

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We know there is a problem with communication but we are not going to discuss it in front of the entire staff. ~ Anonymous

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Money makes money and the money money makes makes money. ~ Benjamin Franklin

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The person who writes the bank’s commercials is not the person who makes the loans.

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A committee of three can accomplish much if two don’t show up.

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Everybody wants to build but nobody wants to maintain. ~ Vonnegut

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Life is like a coin. You can spend it any way you wish, but you only spend it once. ~ Lillian Dickson

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Luck is largely a matter of paying attention. ~ Susan M. Dodd

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Most people don’t look dumb ’til they start talkin’. ~ Forest Gump

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A sermon can help people in different ways. Some rise from it greatly strengthened, others wake up from it greatly refreshed.

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A house divided among itself is a split level. ~ Sen. J.P. Cedars

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Praise does wonders for the sense of hearing.

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Time tells on a man…especially a good time.

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I never get lost because everyone always tells me where to go.

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Once I thought I was wrong, but I was mistaken.

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There’s no sense asking if the air’s good when there’s nothing else to breathe. (The Fountainhead ?)

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Of all escape mechanisms, death is the most efficient. ~ H.L. Mencken

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It is not what people think, it is what they know, and most people know very little. ~ H.L. Mencken

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I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.

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For best results, avoid doing stupid things.

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Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.

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Support search and rescue…get lost.

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An English professor wrote the words, “Woman without her man is nothing” on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly. The men wrote: “Woman, without her man, is nothing.” The women wrote: “Woman: Without her, man is nothing.”

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Let’s be naughty and save Santa the trip. ~ Gary Allan

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Who are you to question why your god doesn’t want me to believe in him?

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What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

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The invisible and the non-existent often look very much alike.

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Everyone tells me I’m a prefectionist.

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What if this isn’t a rhetorical question?

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If there were no rhetorical questions, what would we do with our hypothetical answers?

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I think my brain has a mind of its own.