Category Anxiety

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It is better to light just one candle than to clean the whole apartment. ~ Eileen Courtney  

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Death and taxes are inevitable, but at least death doesn’t get worse every year. ~ Erwin Griswold [paraphrased]  

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When one has not had a good father, one must create one. ~ Friedrich Nietzsche  

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POLITICAL CORRECTNESS:  A doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end. [ Reportedly, the 2007 winning entry from an annual contest at Texas A&M University. ]  

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An ad for one Church has a picture of two hands holding stone tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed and a headline that reads, “For fast,  fast relief, take two tablets.”    ++  

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Another difference between husband and wife?  He says it’s overdrawn and she says it’s under-deposited.

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If you knew that everyone you know was going to die tomorrow, who would you visit today?  

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Which is worse, when a good friend moves away, or losing touch with a good friend who lives right near you?  

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O for a life of sensations rather than of thoughts! ~ John Keats  

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If you can’t communicate clearly in writing, perhaps the Internet is not the best place for you, eh? ~ Barb MacRae  

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After age 25, you’re not a victim anymore–you’re a volunteer.

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If you can’t cope, get stronger! ~  Falline Danforth  

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After you stop believing in Santa Claus, all you get is underwear. ~ Anonymous  

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My greatest fear in life is that no one will remember me once I die. ~  Some dead guy  

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Memory is like an orgasm.  It’s a lot better if you don’t have to fake it. ~ Seymour Cray  

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Life would be much simpler and things would get done much faster if it weren’t for other people. ~ Anonymous

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Everybody’s got something to hide, except for me and my monkey. ~ Beatles  

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Parents are the last people on earth who ought to have children. ~ Samuel Butler  

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Middle age is the time when a man is always thinking that in a week or two he will feel as good as ever. ~ Don Marquis    ++  

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Falling in love is awfully simple, but falling out of love is simply awful. ~ Bess Myerson  

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Talk not of wasted affection; affection never was wasted. ~ Henry Wadsworth Longfellow  

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The more things change, the more they stay insane. ~ Richard Hofstadter  

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I remember when legal used to mean lawful, now it means some kind of loophole. ~ Leo Kessler  

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Denniston’s law:  Virtue is its own punishment. ~ Aneurin Bevan  

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My biggest problem is what to do about all the things I can’t do anything about. ~ Ashleigh Brilliant  

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Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work. ~ Thomas Edison  

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Handle every stressful situation like a dog.  If you can’t eat it or play with it, just pee on it and walk away. ~ Anonymous  

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Turn on, tune in, and drop out. ~ Timothy Leary  

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Not only does God play dice with the universe, sometimes he throws them where they cannot be seen. ~ Stephen Hawking

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Facebook is like jail, you sit around and waste time, write on walls, and get poked by people you don’t know.

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I’m not saying my wife’s a bad cook, but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer. ~ Bob Monkhouse  

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The average American’s day planner has fewer holes in it than Ray Charles’ dart board. ~ Dennis Miller  

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Nowadays it’s not as important for voters to know what a politician has done as what he or she hasn’t done. ~ Edward Blakeman  

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If  you think you have someone eating out of your hand, it’s a good idea to count your fingers. ~ Martin Buxbaume  

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Who will take care of the world after you’re gone?  

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I am reminded of the advice of my neighbor.  “Never worry about your heart till it stops beating.”  ~ E.B. White  

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He who fears he shall suffer, already suffers what he fears.  ~ Montaigne  

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Life comes with an expiration date.

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Never buy a portable TV set on the sidewalk from a man who’s out of breath.

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The nearest thing to eternal life we will ever see on this earth is a government program. ~ Ronald Reagan

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An economic forecaster is like a cross-eyed javelin thrower:  they don’t win many accuracy contests, but they keep the crowd’s attention. ~ Anonymous

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The beauty that addresses itself to the eyes is only the spell of the moment; the eye of the body is not always that of the soul. ~ George Sand

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He looked at me as if I were a side dish he hadn’t ordered. ~ Ring Lardner

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Did you ever get the feeling that the world was a tuxedo and you were a pair of brown shoes? ~ George Gobel     ++

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Lord, if I can’t be skinny, please let all my friends be fat.

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Ham and Eggs:  a day’s work for a chicken;  a lifetime commitment for a pig. ++

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I hope life isn’t a big joke, because I don’t get it. ~ Jack Handey

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Most men pursue pleasure with such breathless haste that they hurry past it. ~ Soren Kierkegaard

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Man is flying too fast for a world that is round.  Soon he will catch up with himself in a great rear end collision. ~ James Thurber