Category Anonymous

30 Ways To Deal With Stress

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1. Jam miniature marshmallows up your nose and sneeze them out. See how many you can do at a time.   2. Use your MasterCard to pay your Visa and vice-versa.   3. Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.   4. When someone says “have a nice day”, tell them you have other […]

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If you live your life with your head up your a**, you’ll always experience the same old s**t.

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Any book worth banning is a book worth reading.

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What’s wrong with telling a lawyer joke?  Lawyers don’t think they’re funny and no one else thinks they’re jokes.

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Always specify that your drive-through order is to go.

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Take life with a grain of salt… a slice of lime, and a shot of tequila.

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The watermelons in my garden are so big it wouldn’t take many to make a dozen.

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Computer people have often spoken of the “gigo” effect, standing for “garbage in – garbage out.” What gives some of us chills is the thought of a second meaning of “gigo”: “garbage in – gospel out.” It can happen here.

Grandkids…

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My granddaughter came to spend a few weeks with me, and I decided to teach her to sew. After I had gone through a lengthy explanation of how to thread the machine, she stepped back, put her hands on her hips, and said in disbelief, “You mean you can do all that, but you can’t […]

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Monday’s special: two Valiums with a coffee chaser.

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Never mess up an apology with an excuse.

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The difference between boogers and broccoli? Kids won’t eat broccoli.

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If Israelites come from Israel, then what come from Paris?

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Wooden shoe rather be Dutch?

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God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway… The good fortune to run into the ones I do… And the eyesight to tell the difference!

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Adam to Eve: I’ll wear the plants in this family!

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Everyone is beautiful if you squint a bit.

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A fight to the death between zombies has a few inherent problems.

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Blessed are the Fundamentalists, for they shall inhibit the earth.

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You never get away, you only get someplace else.

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If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book. COROLLARY: If you are given a take-home test, you will forget where you live.

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…so when the project started we all drew lots to see who would be made the scapegoat if it fails…

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What kind of shoes do frogs wear? Open toad!

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You know you are getting old if you can remember when Crayola Crayons came in only 8 colors….

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Honk if you want to see my finger.

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Life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer you get to the end the faster it goes.

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I refuse to engage in an intellectual battle with an unarmed man.

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If you always do what you always did, you’ll always get what you always got.

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Freedom is not the right to do as you please, but the liberty to do as you ought.

Take care of the little things…

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For the want of a horseshoe a horse was lost; For the want of a horse, the rider was lost; For the want of a rider, the message was lost; For the want of a message, the battle was lost; For the want of a battle, the war was lost; For the want of a […]

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How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

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A penny will hide the biggest star in the universe if you hold it close enough to your eye.

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Why do men want to marry virgins? They can’t stand criticism.

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The last time I cooked this, hardly anyone got sick…

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Got more time for misbehaving / since I started microwaving!

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Never stand between a dog and a tree.

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One reason why computers can do more work than people is that they never have to stop and answer the phone.

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The hardest thing about business is minding your own.

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A good friend sees the first tear, catches the second, and stops the third.

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A good exercise for the heart is to bend down and help another up.

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A good example is the best sermon.

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A good conscience is a soft pillow.

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I worry about identity theft–and why no one wants to be me.

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When I look into your eyes, I see the back of your head.

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It’s bad luck to be superstitious.

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If idiots could fly, this place would be an airport.

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Lite: the new way to spell “Light,” now with 20% fewer letters!

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People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves.

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We are all time travelers moving at the speed of exactly 60 minutes per hour

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What’s the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A northern fairytale begins “Once upon a time…” A southern fairytale begins “Y’all ain’t gonna believe this s***…”