Category Animals

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Do you think sheep know when you’re pulling the wool over their eyes?

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Turtles never hurdle.

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What kind of shoes do frogs wear? Open toad!

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Never stand between a dog and a tree.

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Fool that I was, upon my eagle’s wings I bore this wren, till I was tired with soaring, and now he mounts above me. ~ John Dryden

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Don’t let the same dog bite you twice. ~ Chuck Berry

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Do gay termites eat woodpeckers?

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What do you call a camel with a head on each end? A palindromedary!

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There’s more pressure on a vet to get it right. People say ‘It was God’s will’ when Granny dies, but they get angry when they lose a cow. ~ Terry Pratchett

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A wise monkey never monkeys with another monkey’s monkey. ~ Anonymous

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What do you get when you cross an elephant and a skin doctor? A Pachydermatologist

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What do fish say when they hit a concrete wall? Dam!

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I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. ~ W.C. Fields

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Frogs have it easy. They can eat what bugs them.

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Scientists have shown that the moon is moving away at a tiny yet measurable distance from the earth every year. If you do the math, you can calculate that 85 million years ago the moon was orbiting the earth at a distance of about 35 feet from the earth’s surface. This would explain the death […]

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Anybody can grab a tiger by the tail. You only survive by knowing what to do next.

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I like pigs better than cats and dogs. Dogs are subservient and look up to man. Cats are aloof and look down on man. A pig, however, will look you in the eye, and see his equal. ~ Winston Churchill

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It is a dog-eat-dog world out there and I’m wearing Milk Bone underwear. ~ Norm, in “Cheers”

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A society of sheep must in time beget a government of wolves. ~ Bertrand de Jouvenel

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Did you hear about the cat that swallowed the duck?  He became a duck-filled fatty-puss.

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When turkeys mate they think of swans. ~ Johnny Carson

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My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father. ~ Wendy Liebman

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If a wolf can take down a deer from either flank, does that make him bambidextrous?

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She was so ugly she could make a mule back away from an oat bin. ~ Will Rogers

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What do you get if you cross an insect with the Easter rabbit? Bugs Bunny.

Six Groaners

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Q.  Why can’t a woman ask for help from her brother? A.  He can’t be a brother and assist her, too.   Q.  What do TV reporters wear under their pants? A.  News briefs   Q.  What do frogs wear for a night out on the town? A.  Jumpsuits.   Q.  How can you tell […]

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If you saw with a sawhorse, do you seesaw with a seahorse?

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Do not be like the parakeet, that says what he knows but doesn’t know what he says. ~ Spanish proverb

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I saw a bald eagle the other day. All of its feathers were combed over to one side.

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The early worm deserves the bird.

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Amoebit:  a cross between an amoeba and a rabbit; it can multiply and divide at the same time.

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Only dead fish go with the flow.

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I have never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don’t listen, they don’t come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they’re home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a […]

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Radioactive halibut will make fission chips.

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Did Noah keep his bees in archives?

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As she lay there dozing next to me, one voice inside my head kept saying, ‘Relax, you’re not the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients,’ but then another kept reminding me, ‘Howard, you are a veterinarian!’

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Democracy is two wolves and a lamb deciding what to have for dinner. Liberty is a well-armed lamb. ~ Benjamin Franklin

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Did you hear about the bird that was born without a beak? He was born to succeed

IF A DOG WERE YOUR TEACHER…

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 Think about what you could learn from your dog: – When loved ones come home, always run to greet them. – Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride. – When it’s in your best interest, practice obedience. – Let others know when they’ve invaded your territory. – Take naps and stretch before […]

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When you find yourself in the company of a halfling and an ill-tempered Dragon, remember you do not have to outrun the Dragon…

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I think we consider too much the good luck of the early bird, and not enough the bad luck of the early worm. ~ Franklin D. Roosevelt

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Life is a monkey flinging feces and candy. The trick is figuring out when to dodge and when to catch.

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Removing the straw that broke the camel’s back does not necessarily allow the camel to walk again.

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Time sneaks up on you like a windshield on a bug. ~ John Lithgow  

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When a new hive is done bees have a house swarming party.

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I don’t eat snails… I prefer fast food!

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Too many parents tie up their dogs and allow their children to run loose.

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You would think that, if you pulled a snail’s shell off, then it would be able to move faster.  I tried it, but they seem to be more sluggish.

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Rhinos are just fat unicorns.

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Cigarettes are like hamsters… perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and set it on fire.