A Massive Dose of Steven Wright…

I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.  ~ Steven Wright


Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?  ~ Steven Wright


Isn’t Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?  ~ Steven Wright


How come abbreviated is such a long word?  ~ Steven Wright ++


Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?  ~ Steven Wright


Why are they called buildings, when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?  ~ Steven Wright


Why are they called apartments when they’re all stuck together?  ~ Steven Wright


Why do banks charge you a “non-sufficient funds fee” on money they already know you don’t have?  ~ Steven Wright 99


What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?  ~ Steven Wright


If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?  ~ Steven Wright ++


Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?  ~ Steven Wright


When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss? It sounds like a near hit to me!  ~ Steven Wright


Do fish get cramps after eating?  ~ Steven Wright


Why are there 5 syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?  ~ Steven Wright   ++


Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?  ~ Steven Wright


Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?  ~ Steven Wright


If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?  Steven Wright


How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?  ~ Steven Wright


If “con” is the opposite of “pro,” then what is the opposite of progress?  ~ Steven Wright ++


Why does lemon juice contain mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?  ~ Steven Wright


Why do we wait until a pig is dead to “cure” it?  ~ Steven Wright


If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?  ~ Steven Wright   ++


Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?  ~ Steven Wright


Do married people live longer than single people do or does it just SEEM longer?  ~ Steven Wright


I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.  ~ Steven Wright


If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?  ~ Steven Wright


War doesn’t determine who’s right, just who’s left. ~ Steven Wright   ++


I took a lie detector test the other day. No I didn’t.  ~ Steven Wright


A friend of mine once sent me a postcard with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said “Wish you were here”. ~ Steven Wright


Last week I bought a new phone. I took it out of the box, hooked it up to the wall and pressed redial. The phone had a nervous breakdown. ~ Steven Wright


Every so often I like to stick my head out the window, look up and smile for a satellite picture. ~ Steven Wright   ++


In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said “Cut it out.” ~ Steven Wright


My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted. ~ Steven Wright   ++


I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out. ~ Steven Wright


I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an eighty-foot step ladder with a coat hanger. ~ Steven Wright


When the guy who made the first drawing board got it wrong, what did he go back to? ~ Steven Wright


The moon may be smaller than the earth, but it’s further away. ~ Steven Wright


I talk to myself a lot. That bothers some people because I use a megaphone. ~ Steven Wright


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