Month: November 2013

  • What do you get when you cross an elephant and a skin doctor? A Pachydermatologist

  • What do fish say when they hit a concrete wall? Dam!

  • Do not regret growing older.  It is a privilege denied to many.

  • As a boy, I was ashamed to wear glasses. I memorized the eye chart, and then on the test they asked essay questions. ~ Woody Allen

  • How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you were? – Satchel Paige

  • The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously. ~ Hubert Humphrey

  • You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus. ~ Mark Twain

  • Intelligence tests are biased toward the literate. ~ George Carlin

  • I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. ~ W.C. Fields

  • The worst thing that can happen to you can be the best thing for you, if you don’t let it get the best of you. ~ Will Rogers

  • I’m not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.

  • How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? It’s not hard.

  • To work at Starbucks, should you have graduated Magna Cum Latte?

  • Above all else, sky.

  • On the journey of life, I choose the psycho path.

  • Too much Pluribus, not enough Unum.

  • It’s like, every time you open your mouth some idiot starts talking.

  • Crap! This is a terrible time for the meds to wear off.

  • Conserve toilet paper–use both sides.

  • You probably don’t recognize me without the cape.

  • When I was young, I just wanted a BMW. Now that I’m older, I don’t need the W.

  • Jesus loves you; it’s everybody else that thinks you’re an ass.

  • A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up a thousand times the memory.

  • It’s not who you know, it’s whom you know.

  • What sunshine is to flowers…smiles are to humanity. ~ Joseph Addison