Month: July 2013

  • In the absence of time we are left with the changeless, since change can take place only in time. ~ John Dobson

  • Fight Crime: Shoot Back.

  • Remember: Stop lights timed for 35 mph…..are also timed for 70 mph.

  • It is later than we think–and some of us are not thinking!

  • Those who complain they don’t get all they deserve often should be congratulating themselves.

  • It is a dog-eat-dog world out there and I’m wearing Milk Bone underwear. ~ Norm, in “Cheers”

  • How do they get all those little metal bits on a zipper to line up so well?

  • A society of sheep must in time beget a government of wolves. ~ Bertrand de Jouvenel

  • Immortality and Wishes

    I met a fairy today and she said she would grant me one wish. “I want to live forever,” I said. “Sorry,” said the fairy, “I’m not allowed to grant wishes like that!” “Fine,” I said, “then I want to die after Congress gets their heads out of their asses!” “You crafty bastard,” said the…

  • Did you hear about the cat that swallowed the duck?  He became a duck-filled fatty-puss.

  • It isn’t necessary to be rich and famous to be happy. It’s only necessary to be rich. ~ Alan Alda

  • Friends are like bras: close to your heart and there for support.

  • First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down. ~ George Burns

  • I was lonely driving here tonight so I hugged the road. ~ Jay London

  • I was going to buy a book on hair loss, but the pages kept falling out. ~ Jay London

  • I wanted to take up music, so my father bought me a blunt instrument. He told me to knock myself out. ~ Jay London

  • Do you know it was a year ago today? ~ Jay London

  • There is no off position on the genius switch. ~ David Letterman

  • The worst tempered people I have ever met were those who knew that they were wrong. ~ David Letterman

  • I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way too literal for me. ~ Mitch Hedberg

  • Everybody wants to eat at the government’s table, but nobody wants to do the dishes. ~ Werner Finck

  • I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home. ~ W. C. Fields

  • Don’t worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live. ~ W. C. Fields

  • Attitude is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than what people do or say. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill. ~ W. C. Fields

  • You know you’re old if your walker has an airbag. ~ Phyllis Diller