Month: April 2013

  • The only difference between a lawyer and a vulture is removable wing tips.

  • The more things change, the more they stay insane.

  • The new baby is like royalty; he’s the prince of wails.

  • Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it.

  • AMNESIA (n): condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again. IMPREGNABLE (adj): a woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

  • It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them. ~ (Lynette, age 9)

  • Touch it gently, put two fingers inside, if it’s wide use three fingers, make sure it’s wet and rub up and down. Yep, that’s how you wash a cup.

  • From a worldly point of view, there is no mistake so great as that of being always right. ~ Samuel Butler

  • The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body. This means that only left handed people are in their right mind. ~ Anonymous

  • A question that sometimes drives me hazy: am I or are the others crazy? ~ Albert Einstein

  • My experience has taught me that a man who has no vices has damned few virtues. ~ Abraham Lincoln

  • The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life. ~ George Carlin

  • A girl’s legs are her best friends…but even the best of friends must part. ~ Redd Foxx

  • I hate housework. You make the beds, you wash the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again. ~ Joan Rivers

  • I like Florida. Everything is in the 80’s. The temperatures, the ages and the IQ’s. ~ George Carlin

  • If it’s not one thing, it’s your mother.

  • Being Politically Correct means always having to say you’re sorry.

  • One of the hardest things to imagine is that you are not smarter than average. ~ Jonathan Fuerbringer

  • Luck is largely a matter of paying attention. ~ Susan M. Dodd

  • Our visions of what is better are always informed by our perception of what is bad about our present situation. ~ Lugones & Spelman

  • Following the rules will not get the job done. Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.

  • Thank God for dirty dishes, They have a tale to tell; While others may go hungry, We’re eating very well. ~ Anonymous

  • Vacuums don’t clean houses.  People clean houses. ~ Lew Schneider (Nature abhors a vacuum, and so do I.)

  • The trouble with living alone is that it’s always your turn to do the dishes.

  • I always thought a yard was three feet, then I started mowing the lawn.  ~ C.E. Cowman