Month: November 2012

  • Reality leaves a lot to the imagination.

  • It’s so hard when I have to, and so easy when I want to. ~ Annie Gottlier

  • There is only one thing worse than losing, and that is quitting.

  • This is serious:  some of the things that are supposed to last the rest of my life are already wearing out. ~ Ashleigh Brilliant

  • It’s human to make mistakes and some of us are more human than others. ~ Ashleigh Brilliant

  • Sometimes, when one person dies, it leaves the whole world empty. 

  • What I like most about myself is that I’m so understanding when I do something wrong.

  • I want to start a women’s magazine called “Period.”  Some months I’ll send it out late just to freak out my subscribers.

  • Quiet people have the loudest minds. ~ Stephen Hawking

  • Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood.  So, logically, pancakes are more important than family.

  • Starting a sentence with “If you ask me” almost always indicates that no one asked you.

  • Did you hear there is a dwarf shortage?

  • My wife says that the difference between a husband and childbirth is that one can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while the other is just having a baby.

  • My wife told me:  You’ll never amount to anything because you procrastinate.  I said:  Just you wait.

  • One time I was going up an escalator and tripped; I fell down the steps for an hour and a half!!

  • As a young child my mom told me I could be anybody I wanted to be.  Turns out the police call it identity theft.

  • Is it possible to be in two places at twice?

  • I saw a one armed man in a second hand store the other day.

  • When I was younger I always felt like I was a boy trapped in a woman’s body. However, that changed when I was born.

  • Is it true that doctors spank babies’ bottoms when they are born because it knocks the penis off of the dumb ones?

  • Okay…new Christmas game!  “Message” me your credit card number & 3-digit security code, and I’ll update my status with what I bought with it!

  • A poll found that 55 percent of shoppers start their Christmas shopping the day after Thanksgiving. The other 45 percent are men.

  • Learn to spell… Auto Correct isn’t always write.

  • It doesn’t matter if you win or lose until you lose.

  • THIS JUST IN: Child actor Buckwheat has converted his religion to Islam.  He will now go by the the name of Kareem of Wheat.