Month: July 2012

  • I make serious coffee – so strong it wakes up the neighbors.

  • Gratitude is the best attitude.

  • The more you invest in a marriage, the more valuable it becomes. ~ Amy Grant

  • All weddings are similar, but every marriage is different. ~ John Berger

  • How many times can you subtract 7 from 83, and what is left afterwards? You can subtract it as many times as you want, and it leaves 76 every time.

  • Our Number 1 problem is that nobody wants to take responsibility for anything…but don’t quote me.

  • My wife wanted to renew our vows. I told her I don’t want to make the same mistake twice.

  • Too many couples marry for better or for worse, but not for good.

  • Sometimes I just can’t prevent clean thoughts from entering my mind.

  • I wish my mouth had a backspace key.

  • Those small bumps around women’s nipples are Braille for “suck here.”

  • Today’s message is brought to you by Oil of Olay, the favorite oil of Spanish bull fighters.

  • One good thing about being wrong is the joy it brings to others

  • A golf course is a site to be holed.

  • In poker, a good deal depends on a good deal.

  • Don’t think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.

  • The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

  • My wife says that she will dance on my grave. I’ve now arranged to be buried at sea.

  • I tried to go see a pirate movie, but they wouldn’t let me in. It was rated arrrrrr!

  • If at first you don’t succeed, shouldn’t you try doing it like your wife told you to?

  • I’m in therapy now. I used to be in denial, which is a lot cheaper.

  • Excuse me for driving so closely in front of you.

  • At the mall I saw a kid on a leash. Ha.  All of mine were cordless.

  • Not only does my wife drive me crazy, she makes me pay for the gas.

  • My new health club is so fancy, they have a spiral StairMaster.