Month: May 2012

  • Not to brag, but I have completely mastered the right way to do everything wrong.

  • Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.

  • I was just asked to contribute money to help solve the civil unrest in Egypt, but I suspect it’s some sort of pyramid scheme.

  • If you feel a bit lonely, forgotten, or just need someone to cheer you up, remember…you can always change your birthday on Facebook.

  • I used to work as a waiter. The pay wasn’t great but it put food on the table.

  • They say that history repeats itself but, you know, they’ve said that before.

  • I just heard the villain in the next Batman movie is a guy who’s exposed to high levels of radiation and becomes the Speaker of the House of Representatives.

  • If you love something, let it go.  If it comes back to you, it has really low self-esteem and you should exploit that.

  • If a tomato is a fruit, does that make ketchup a smoothie?

  • Rhinos are just fat unicorns.

  • Christmas was best when I still believed in Santa Claus.  I want to be 22 again.

  • Did you hear about the Muslim strip club? It features full facial nudity.

  • It’s really difficult to find what you want on eBay.  I was searching for cigarette lighters and found over 15,000 matches.

  • Do you know what really makes me smile?  Facial muscles.  

  • If you email someone that you can read maps backwards, is it spam?

  • An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German were all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling. The juggler noticed that the four gentlemen had a very poor view, so he stood up on a large wooden box and asked if they could see him.  They replied:  Yes Oui Si Ja.  

  • Wind turbines.  I’m a big fan.

  • When my wife said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking.  Then I saw her face, now I’m a believer…

  • Somebody called me pretentious the other day.  I nearly choked on my latte.

  • Jesus loves you is such a nice thing to hear in church, but sort of terrifying in a Mexican prison.

  • She says I keep pushing her buttons. If that were true, I would have found Mute by now…

  • This girl came up to me today and said she recognized me from a vegetarian club. I was confused, I’d never met herbivore. ~ Anonymous

  • Cooking Tip: Raw toast is an ideal bread substitute.

  • Ever notice how many government officials make their raises effective long before they ever are? ~ Alfred E. Neuman

  • It’s a good idea to save your money. One day it might be worth something again! ~ Alfred E. Neuman