Month: May 2012
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Not to brag, but I have completely mastered the right way to do everything wrong.
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Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
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I was just asked to contribute money to help solve the civil unrest in Egypt, but I suspect it’s some sort of pyramid scheme.
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If you feel a bit lonely, forgotten, or just need someone to cheer you up, remember…you can always change your birthday on Facebook.
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I used to work as a waiter. The pay wasn’t great but it put food on the table.
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They say that history repeats itself but, you know, they’ve said that before.
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I just heard the villain in the next Batman movie is a guy who’s exposed to high levels of radiation and becomes the Speaker of the House of Representatives.
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If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it has really low self-esteem and you should exploit that.
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If a tomato is a fruit, does that make ketchup a smoothie?
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Rhinos are just fat unicorns.
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Christmas was best when I still believed in Santa Claus. I want to be 22 again.
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Did you hear about the Muslim strip club? It features full facial nudity.
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It’s really difficult to find what you want on eBay. I was searching for cigarette lighters and found over 15,000 matches.
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Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
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If you email someone that you can read maps backwards, is it spam?
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An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German were all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling. The juggler noticed that the four gentlemen had a very poor view, so he stood up on a large wooden box and asked if they could see him. They replied: Yes Oui Si Ja.
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Wind turbines. I’m a big fan.
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When my wife said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking. Then I saw her face, now I’m a believer…
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Somebody called me pretentious the other day. I nearly choked on my latte.
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Jesus loves you is such a nice thing to hear in church, but sort of terrifying in a Mexican prison.
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She says I keep pushing her buttons. If that were true, I would have found Mute by now…
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This girl came up to me today and said she recognized me from a vegetarian club. I was confused, I’d never met herbivore. ~ Anonymous
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Cooking Tip: Raw toast is an ideal bread substitute.
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Ever notice how many government officials make their raises effective long before they ever are? ~ Alfred E. Neuman
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It’s a good idea to save your money. One day it might be worth something again! ~ Alfred E. Neuman