Month: April 2012
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How hot is it? The swimming pool was so crowded today that I had to dive in three times before I hit water.
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No one party can fool all of the people all of the time; that’s why we have two parties. ~ Bob Hope
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Q: What is the difference between an HMO doctor and a seagull? A: A seagull can still make a significant deposit on a Mercedes.
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What is a Pre-Existing Condition?
I was hitting the ski slopes when a bizarre accident occurred. While fumbling my way off a chair lift, another chair hit me from behind and knocked me out cold. I woke up with a headache, in a hospital bed and immediately called my insurance company. After explaining what happened the insurance rep said, “We’re…
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Health insurance is like hospital gowns; you only think you‘re covered.
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A scientist in Australia has invented a bra which offers more support and prevents a woman’s breasts from bouncing up and down. After announcing his invention, the scientist was taken outside and beaten by a large group of men. ~ Conan O’Brien
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Many of those who rely on body language need to improve their vocabularies.
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Ham and eggs…a day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig. ~ Anonymous
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Years ago, fairy tales all began with Once upon a time… now we know they all begin with: If I am elected. ~ Carolyn Warner
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You can give without loving, but you cannot love without giving. ~ Amy Carmichael
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At the mall I saw a kid on a leash. And I think if I ever have a kid, it’s gonna be cordless. ~ Wendy Liebman
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Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife. ~ Anonymous
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Single people throw the best parties. They don’t have to worry about their furniture getting messed up. Their friends can destroy everything they own. They’re out 15 bucks. ~ Jeff Foxworthy
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They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don’t we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it’s worked for over 200 years and we’re not using it anymore. ~ Anonymous
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If you say what you think, don’t expect to hear only what you like. ~ Malcolm Forbes
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[A] wise and frugal Government, which shall restrain men from injuring one another, shall leave them otherwise free to regulate their own pursuits of industry and improvement, and shall not take from the mouth of labor the bread it has earned. ~ Thomas Jefferson
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It is not the responsibility of the government or the legal system to protect a citizen from himself. ~ Justice Casey Percell
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A nation of sheep will beget a government of wolves. ~ Edward R. Murrow
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If you have to keep thinking outside the box, maybe something is wrong with the box. ~ Malcolm Gladwell
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If, after I depart this vale, you ever remember me and have thought to please my ghost, forgive some sinner and wink your eye at some homely girl. ~ H.L. Mencken
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Remember that everyone you meet is afraid of something, loves something and has lost something. ~ H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
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Governments never learn. Only people learn. ~ Milton Friedman
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In the beginner’s mind there are many possibilities, but in the expert’s mind there are few. ~ Shunryu Suzuki
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Sunglasses allow an individual to stare at people without them knowing. It is Facebook in real life.
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The first thing I do in the morning is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue. ~ Oscar Levant