April 2014
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Month April 2014

If you can’t reach heaven, raise hell. Flectere si nequeo superos, Acheronta movebo. ~ Virgil, The Aeneid

Grandkids…

My granddaughter came to spend a few weeks with me, and I decided to teach her to sew. After I had gone through a lengthy explanation of how to thread the machine, she stepped back, put her hands on her hips, and said in disbelief, “You mean you can do all that, but you can’t […]

Beat the 5 O’clock rush: leave work at noon!

The missionaries go forth to Christianize the savages – as if the savages weren’t dangerous enough already. ~ Edward Abbey

Monday’s special: two Valiums with a coffee chaser.

Never mess up an apology with an excuse.

Do not hit at all if it can be avoided, but never hit softly. ~ Theodore Roosevelt

The difference between boogers and broccoli? Kids won’t eat broccoli.

If Israelites come from Israel, then what come from Paris?

Wooden shoe rather be Dutch?

God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway… The good fortune to run into the ones I do… And the eyesight to tell the difference!

Adam to Eve: I’ll wear the plants in this family!

Everyone is beautiful if you squint a bit.

A fight to the death between zombies has a few inherent problems.

Blessed are the Fundamentalists, for they shall inhibit the earth.

You never get away, you only get someplace else.

If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book. COROLLARY: If you are given a take-home test, you will forget where you live.

…so when the project started we all drew lots to see who would be made the scapegoat if it fails…

Life is rarely about what happened; it’s mostly about what we think happened. ~ Chuck Klosterman

What kind of shoes do frogs wear? Open toad!

You know you are getting old if you can remember when Crayola Crayons came in only 8 colors….

Honk if you want to see my finger.

Life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer you get to the end the faster it goes.

I refuse to engage in an intellectual battle with an unarmed man.

If you can solve your problem, then what is the need of worrying? If you cannot solve it, then what is the use of worrying? ~ Shantideva

If you always do what you always did, you’ll always get what you always got.

If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee. ~ Abraham Lincoln

Freedom is not the right to do as you please, but the liberty to do as you ought.

Take care of the little things…

For the want of a horseshoe a horse was lost; For the want of a horse, the rider was lost; For the want of a rider, the message was lost; For the want of a message, the battle was lost; For the want of a battle, the war was lost; For the want of a […]

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

No person was ever honored for what he received. Honor is given by what he gave. ~ Calvin Coolidge

A penny will hide the biggest star in the universe if you hold it close enough to your eye.

Why do men want to marry virgins? They can’t stand criticism.

The last time I cooked this, hardly anyone got sick…

Got more time for misbehaving / since I started microwaving!

Never stand between a dog and a tree.

One reason why computers can do more work than people is that they never have to stop and answer the phone.

Wherever you are, be all there. ~ Jim Elliot

When you have exhausted all possibilities, remember this–you haven’t. ~ Thomas Edison

The hardest thing about business is minding your own.

A good friend sees the first tear, catches the second, and stops the third.

A good exercise for the heart is to bend down and help another up.

A good example is the best sermon.

A good conscience is a soft pillow.