March 2014
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Month March 2014

I worry about identity theft–and why no one wants to be me.

When I look into your eyes, I see the back of your head.

Can a hooker get layed off?

It’s bad luck to be superstitious.

If idiots could fly, this place would be an airport.

Two sorts of writers possess genius: those who think, and those who cause others to think. ~ Aldous Huxley

Of all escape mechanisms, death is the most efficient. ~ H.L. Mencken

A man should aim to think as much as a woman feels. ~ H. L. Mencken

Fool that I was, upon my eagle’s wings I bore this wren, till I was tired with soaring, and now he mounts above me. ~ John Dryden

Lite: the new way to spell “Light,” now with 20% fewer letters!

People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves.

We are all time travelers moving at the speed of exactly 60 minutes per hour

What’s the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A northern fairytale begins “Once upon a time…” A southern fairytale begins “Y’all ain’t gonna believe this s***…”

Turn your face to the sun and the shadows fall behind you. ~ Maori Proverb

Not being beautiful was the true blessing. Not being beautiful forced me to develop my inner resources. The pretty girl has a handicap to overcome. ~ Golda Meir

Your problem is never really your problem, your reaction to your problem is your problem. ~ Brian Kinsey

The act of giving is more important than the merit of the receiver. ~ Glenn Kittler

Thirteen quick “…therefore I am” variations

I think, therefore I am. ~ Descartes I think, therefore I am, I think. I doubt, therefore I might be. I forget, therefore I was. I drink therefore I am. ~ W. C. Fields I think, therefore I am single. Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum. (I think that I think, therefore I think that I […]

The object of the passion is just an accessory to the passion itself. ~ Zadie Smith

7 quick quotes from Thomas Jefferson

When we get piled upon one another in large cities, as in Europe, we shall become as corrupt as Europe. ~ Thomas Jefferson It is incumbent on every generation to pay its own debts as it goes. A principle which if acted on would save one-half the wars of the world. ~ Thomas Jefferson I […]

Stupidity is not a crime. You’re free to go

Watch out for the idiot behind me. ~ Bumper Sticker

People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up. ~ Ogden Nash

I remember when I got married. I remember where I got married. But for the life of me, I can’t remember why I got married. ~ Anonymous

Far too many writers rely on the classic formula of a beginning, a muddle, and an end. ~ Philip Carlin

One time we were driving through a construction zone and the sign said, SPEED LIMIT 35 AHEAD. And there were four of us. We were through there in no time.

Invisible Systems, Inc. If you don’t see it, we made it.

The Road to Enlightenment is long and difficult. Bring snacks and a book.

His toupee makes him look twenty years sillier.

I’m not myself today. Maybe I’m you. ~ Terry Buresh

I saw a truck today. Side of the door said, “Driver has no cash.” I’m broke, too, but I don’t plaster it all over the side of my car. ~ Margaret Smith

I hope I don’t sound like an old-fashioned stick-in-the-mud, but when I hear about people making vast fortunes without doing any productive work or contributing anything to society, my reaction is: “How can I get in on that?” ~ Dave Barry

We used to play spin the bottle when I was a kid. A girl would spin the bottle and if it pointed to you when it stopped, the girl could either kiss you or give you a dime. By the time I was 14, I owned my own home. ~ Gene Perret

Money isn’t everything: usually, it isn’t even enough.

It takes money to make money because you have to copy the design exactly.

Strange things happen when you’re in debt. Two weeks ago, my car broke down and my phone got disconnected. I was one electric bill away from being Amish. ~ Tom Ryan

I went to a cigarette factory in Kentucky a few years ago, took the tour. The employees there get free smokes. Which pretty much cuts down the pension plan.

I went to my doctor and asked for something for persistent wind. He gave me a kite. ~ Les Dawson

If you found yourself in a situation where you could either save a drowning man, or you could take a Pulitzer prize winning photograph of him drowning, what shutter speed and setting would you use? ~ Paul Harvey

The only thing my husband and I have in common is we were married on the same day. ~ Phyllis Diller

Whoever came up with ice fishing must have had the worst marriage on the planet. ~ Jeff Cesario

ABC News says Americans spend $300 billion every year on games of chance, and that doesn’t include weddings and elections. ~ Argus Hamilton