February 2014
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Month February 2014

Atheists don’t solve exponential equations because they don’t believe in higher powers.

You know you are getting old when you realize that a stamp today costs more than a picture show did when you were a kid.

You know you’re getting older when you buy trousers with the waist size larger than the length.

I’m so miserable without you, it’s almost like you’re still here.

IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.

In the pasture of life, don’t be a cow pie.

In communism, man oppresses man. In capitalism, it’s the other way around. ~ John Kenneth Galbraith

Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger. ~ Franklin P. Jones

Countless numbers of people have eaten in our kitchen and went on to live perfectly normal lives.

When your outgo exceeds your income your upkeep will be your downfall.

Today is the day I worried about yesterday and everything is OK.

Death is not extinguishing the light. It is putting out the lamp because the dawn has come.

When we die we leave behind us all that we have and take with us all that we are. ~ Anonymous

Always buy good shoes and a good bed, because if you aren’t in one, you’re in the other.

All mankind is divided into three classes: those who are immovable, those who are movable; and those who move. ~ Benjamin Franklin

A man who thinks he is smarter than his wife has a very smart wife!

America is the only country in the world where the poor have a parking problem.

Genetics: Why you look like your father, or if you don’t, why you should.

I’m trying to see things from your point of view, but I can’t stick my head that far up my ass!

Every time I try to see things your way, I get a headache.

If you’re not playing with a full deck, then don’t shuffle in public.

We do survive every moment, after all, except the last one. ~ John Updike

You can be a victor without having victims. ~ Harriet Woods

Your power is proportional to your ability to relax. ~ David Allen

Action speaks louder than words, but not nearly as often. ~ Mark Twain

Art, like morality, consists in drawing a line somewhere. ~ G. K. Chesterton

Don’t let the same dog bite you twice. ~ Chuck Berry

He who angers you conquers you. — Elizabeth Kenny

He who limps still walks. — Stanislaw Lec

In a conversation, keep in mind that you’re more interested in what you have to say than anyone else. ~ Andy Rooney

Life experiences are like quarters; you loose both when you sit around on the couch. ~ Anonymous

No man can think clearly when his fists are clenched. — George Jean Nathan

As nightfall does not come all at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight. And it is in such twilight that we all must be aware of change in the air–however slight–lest we become unwitting victims of the darkness. ~ Justice William O. Douglas, US Supreme Court

If it’s there and you can see it–it’s real. If it’s there and you can’t see it–it’s transparent. If it’s not there and you can see it–it’s virtual. If it’s not there and you can’t see it–it’s gone!

Hysteria is a chaotic and irrational emotional state caused by seeing how the world really operates. ~ Robert Anton Wilson

You know, great names in science come and go…but Ampere will always be current.

Contrary to popular opinion, facts are not established by popular opinion.

Are We Drunk?

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU’RE DRUNK: “Indubitably” “Innovative” “Preliminary” “Proliferation” “Cinnamon” THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU’RE DRUNK: “Specificity” “British Constitution” “Passive-aggressive disorder” “Loquacious Transubstantiate” THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU’RE DRUNK: “Thanks, but I don’t want to have sex.” “Nope, no more booze for me.” […]

Agnostic apathetic isolationist. (I don’t know. I don’t care. Go away.)

Between want and need is self-control.

Question skepticism.

Do gay termites eat woodpeckers?

There are no stupid questions, but there are a lot of inquisitive idiots.

The great thing about human language is that it prevents us from sticking to the matter at hand. ~ Lewis Thomas