July 2013
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Day July 4, 2013

I was lonely driving here tonight so I hugged the road. ~ Jay London

I was going to buy a book on hair loss, but the pages kept falling out. ~ Jay London

I wanted to take up music, so my father bought me a blunt instrument. He told me to knock myself out. ~ Jay London

Do you know it was a year ago today? ~ Jay London

There is no off position on the genius switch. ~ David Letterman

The worst tempered people I have ever met were those who knew that they were wrong. ~ David Letterman

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way too literal for me. ~ Mitch Hedberg

Everybody wants to eat at the government’s table, but nobody wants to do the dishes. ~ Werner Finck

I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home. ~ W. C. Fields

Don’t worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live. ~ W. C. Fields

Attitude is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than what people do or say. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill. ~ W. C. Fields

You know you’re old if your walker has an airbag. ~ Phyllis Diller

My mother never breast fed me; she told me she only liked me as a friend. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name? ~ Billy Connolly

When turkeys mate they think of swans. ~ Johnny Carson

If Jesus had been killed twenty years ago, Catholic school children would be wearing little electric chairs around their necks instead of crosses. ~ Lenny Bruce

I am as frustrated with society as a pyromaniac in a petrified forest. ~ A. Whitney Brown

I’d rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I’d rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might have-been has never been, but a has was once an are. ~ Milton Berle

I’d rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal lobotomy. ~ Fred Allen

Never let a fool kiss you, or a kiss fool you. ~ Joey Adams

My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father. ~ Wendy Liebman

Don’t worry too much about what people think, because they seldom do.

What goes around usually gets dizzy and falls over.

The law of heredity is that all undesirable traits come from the other parent.

The big thing about prunes is the way they look. If prunes could move, you’d whack ‘em with your shoe.

My next house will have no kitchen, only vending machines.

The chest X-ray showed I had pimples on my left ventricle. I said, “Doc, what does that mean?” He said, “You’re still a teenager at heart.”

Support bacteria — they’re the only culture some people have.

Some baseball players are going to make more money this year than Uganda.

Why do you think the old stories tell of men who set out on great journeys to impress the gods? Because trying to impress people just isn’t worth the time and effort. ~ Henry Rollins

At the age of twelve, I began hustling newspapers like many other great Americans had done. The only difference was that they became great.

My wild oats have turned to shredded wheat!