June 2013
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Month June 2013

I want it clearly understood that I’m totally confused.

Copy and paste this into your status if you’re tired of people copying and pasting stuff in their status.

Ever run up to a stranger on the street and say “YOU’RE IT!” and then run away?

I use a Bluetooth headset in public so that I can talk to the voices in my head without drawing attention.

I knew a girl who went to Beauty College and flunked cosmetics. They let her take a make up exam.

To those who think that the law of gravity interferes with their freedom, there is nothing to say. ~ Lionel Tiger

When I buy pistachio nuts, I never waste my time prying open those nuts which are completely closed. It’s more productive to spend my time with those that are partially open and willing to be opened further. And so it is with people’s minds. ~ Michael Zarlenga

The bumper sticker… is secular America’s Book of Proverbs. ~ John Shea

I don’t think I’m alone when I say I’d like to see more and more planets fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system. ~ Jack Handey

50% of doctors graduated in the BOTTOM HALF of their class.

  You ever look up the word dictionary in a dictionary? A little hand comes out and smacks you one.

You know the oxygen masks on airplanes? I don’t think there’s really any oxygen. I think they’re just to muffle the screams. ~ Rita Rudner

Children have always looked up to cowboys as role models. And vice versa.

I’m a Virgo.  We Virgo’s don’t believe in all this Astrology stuff.

You worry too much about your job. Stop it. You are not paid enough to worry.

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m.traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m.at a speed of 35 mph.

O Lord, grant that we may always be right, for Thou knowest we will never change our minds. ~ Anonymous

My life has no purpose, no direction, no aim, no meaning, and yet I’m happy. I can’t figure it out. What am I doing right? ~ Charles M. Schulz

It may be true that the law cannot make a man love me, but it can stop him from lynching me, and I think that’s pretty important. ~ Martin Luther King Jr.

Correction does much, but encouragement does more. ~ Goethe

Reducing an issue to black and white clears the way for violence.  ~ Anonymous

If liberty means anything at all, it means the right to tell people what they do not want to hear. ~ George Orwell

We have no right to ask when a sorrow comes, ‘Why did this happen to me?’ unless we ask the same question for every joy that comes our way. ~ Phillip E. Bernstein

I think….

I think, therefore I am. ~ Decartes I think, therefore I am, I think. I doubt, therefore I might be. I don’t think so, therefore I’m probably not. I forget, therefore I was. I drink therefore I am. ~ W. C. Fields I think, therefore I am single. Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum. (I think […]

I did an unbelievable amount of work in the yard. It’s amazing what you can do when your wife puts your mind to it.

Are there any experienced suicide bombers?

What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.

There are days when it takes all you’ve got just to keep up with the losers.~ Robert Orben

If Murphy’s law can go wrong it will.

Even a short pencil is more reliable then the longest memory.

It is never easy being a mother.  If it were easy, fathers would do it.

The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it.

It is better to sleep on what you intend doing than to stay awake over what you’ve done.

Age is to women like Kryptonite is to Superman. ~ Kathy Lette

The hardest part of business is minding your own.

Facebook is starting to be like my fridge; I know nothing is there but I keep checking it anyway…

The Titanic is a great lesson of why just the tip can get you in a lot of trouble.

When I was a boy, my mother wore a mood ring. When she was in a good mood it turned blue. In a bad mood, it left a big red mark on my forehead. ~ Jeff Shaw

If you haven’t got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me. ~ Alice Roosevelt Longworth

I fear vastly more a futile, incompetent old age than I do any form of death.  ~ William Allen White

I’ve decided I’d like to get to know you all a lot better. Let’s start with banking information.

Why is it difficult to open a piano? Because all the keys are inside!

My mind is elsewhere today. Wish I was with it.

Real Men don’t get defensive when they learn that not everybody shares their enthusiasm for Apple products.

If a wolf can take down a deer from either flank, does that make him bambidextrous?

Without me, it’s just aweso.

We’ve had cloning in the South for years. It’s called cousins. ~ Robin Williams

One of the most time-consuming things is to have an enemy. ~ E. B. White

Life is like a sewer… what you get out of it depends on what you put into it. ~ Tom Lehrer

Trouble is the common denominator of living. It is the great equalizer. ~ Soren Kierkegaard