May 2013
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Month May 2013

It’s no use going back to yesterday–I was a different person then. ~ Lewis G. Carroll

Since when is talking a sign of thinking?

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but whips and chains excite me.

Little things affect little minds. ~ Benjamin Disraeli

She was so ugly she could make a mule back away from an oat bin. ~ Will Rogers

The first step to better times is to imagine them.

I’m not even going to ignore that.

I distinctly remember forgetting that.

I cannot say that I don’t disagree with you. ~ Groucho Marx

The mint makes it first, it’s up to you to make it last. ~ Evan Esar

Some go on a diet while most are merely wishful shrinkers. ~ Evan Esar

May the force be with y’all.

If you’re born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

I don’t have a big ego; I’m way too cool for that.

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.   As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.  Without missing a beat she said, “Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.”

12 Bible Puns

Q:         What kind of man was Boaz before he married Ruth? A:         Ruthless.   Q:         What do they call pastors in Germany? A:         German Shepherds.   Q:         Who was the greatest financier in the Bible? A:         Noah.  He was floating his stock while everyone else was in […]

I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one.

Aspire to inspire before you expire.

Men are from earth. Women are from earth.  Deal with it.

Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you’ve made.

I see your face when I am dreaming. That’s why I always wake up screaming.

He is a self-made man and worships his creator. ~ John Bright

She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.