April 2013
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Day April 9, 2013

The only difference between a lawyer and a vulture is removable wing tips.

The more things change, the more they stay insane.

The new baby is like royalty; he’s the prince of wails.

Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it.

AMNESIA (n): condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again. IMPREGNABLE (adj): a woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them. ~ (Lynette, age 9)

Touch it gently, put two fingers inside, if it’s wide use three fingers, make sure it’s wet and rub up and down. Yep, that’s how you wash a cup.

From a worldly point of view, there is no mistake so great as that of being always right. ~ Samuel Butler

The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body. This means that only left handed people are in their right mind. ~ Anonymous

A question that sometimes drives me hazy: am I or are the others crazy? ~ Albert Einstein

My experience has taught me that a man who has no vices has damned few virtues. ~ Abraham Lincoln

The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life. ~ George Carlin

A girl’s legs are her best friends…but even the best of friends must part. ~ Redd Foxx

I hate housework. You make the beds, you wash the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again. ~ Joan Rivers

I like Florida. Everything is in the 80′s. The temperatures, the ages and the IQ’s. ~ George Carlin