April 2013
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Month April 2013

The only difference between a lawyer and a vulture is removable wing tips.

The more things change, the more they stay insane.

The new baby is like royalty; he’s the prince of wails.

Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it.

AMNESIA (n): condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again. IMPREGNABLE (adj): a woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them. ~ (Lynette, age 9)

Touch it gently, put two fingers inside, if it’s wide use three fingers, make sure it’s wet and rub up and down. Yep, that’s how you wash a cup.

From a worldly point of view, there is no mistake so great as that of being always right. ~ Samuel Butler

The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body. This means that only left handed people are in their right mind. ~ Anonymous

A question that sometimes drives me hazy: am I or are the others crazy? ~ Albert Einstein

My experience has taught me that a man who has no vices has damned few virtues. ~ Abraham Lincoln

The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life. ~ George Carlin

A girl’s legs are her best friends…but even the best of friends must part. ~ Redd Foxx

I hate housework. You make the beds, you wash the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again. ~ Joan Rivers

I like Florida. Everything is in the 80′s. The temperatures, the ages and the IQ’s. ~ George Carlin

If it’s not one thing, it’s your mother.

Being Politically Correct means always having to say you’re sorry.

One of the hardest things to imagine is that you are not smarter than average. ~ Jonathan Fuerbringer

Luck is largely a matter of paying attention. ~ Susan M. Dodd

Our visions of what is better are always informed by our perception of what is bad about our present situation. ~ Lugones & Spelman

Following the rules will not get the job done. Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.

Thank God for dirty dishes, They have a tale to tell; While others may go hungry, We’re eating very well. ~ Anonymous

Vacuums don’t clean houses.  People clean houses. ~ Lew Schneider (Nature abhors a vacuum, and so do I.)

The trouble with living alone is that it’s always your turn to do the dishes.

I always thought a yard was three feet, then I started mowing the lawn.  ~ C.E. Cowman

My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance. ~ Erma Bombeck

I dreamed of wind, a wind there came And through the branches blew.  I dreamed of leaves, of leave of gold, And leaves of gold there grew.  J. R. R. Tolkien

Thanks to television, for the first time the young are seeing history made before it is censored by their elders. ~ Margaret Mead