March 2013
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Month March 2013

Life is like photography. You use the negative to develop.

Last week, I went to a furniture store to look for a decaffeinated coffee table.

The idea is to die young as late as possible.

Is your holier side your altar ego?

What do you get if you cross an insect with the Easter rabbit? Bugs Bunny.

Screw in a light-bulb?

Q: How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a suprising twist at the end.   Q: How many boring people does it take to change a light bulb? A: One.   Q: […]

On my first day of school my parents dropped me off at the wrong nursery. There I was…surrounded by trees and bushes.

Six Groaners

Q.  Why can’t a woman ask for help from her brother? A.  He can’t be a brother and assist her, too.   Q.  What do TV reporters wear under their pants? A.  News briefs   Q.  What do frogs wear for a night out on the town? A.  Jumpsuits.   Q.  How can you tell […]

Many of our ambitions are nipped in the budget.

If it’s the thought that counts, think money.

PRENATAL:  When your life was still somewhat your own.

A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, “The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.” His son asked, “What happened to the flea?”

So, do you comb hair often?

When two egotists meet, it’s an I for an I.

Someone from the Gyno Colleges called.  They said the Pabst Beer is fine.  I thought you didn’t like beer?”  (note left by a husband)

If you saw with a sawhorse, do you seesaw with a seahorse?

Half-aloof is better than none.

Choose your life’s mate carefully. From this one decision will come 90 percent of all your happiness or misery. ~ H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

Be smarter than other people, just don’t tell them so. ~ H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

Acronyms never die, they merely RIP. ~ Dan Green

Nobody complains about being interrupted if it’s by applause. ~ Kin Hubbard

The second most powerful phrase in the world is “Watch this!” The most powerful phrase is “Oh yeah? Watch this!”

If a situation requires undivided attention, it will occur simultaneously with a compelling distraction.

Among economists, the real world is often a special case.

When Government bureaucratic remedies do not match your problem, you modify the problem, not the remedy.

After things have gone from bad to worse, the cycle will repeat itself.

Drazen’s Law of Restitution

The time it takes to rectify a situation is inversely proportional to the time it took to do the damage. Example 1: It takes longer to glue a vase together than to break one. Example 2: It takes longer to lose X number of pounds than to gain X number of pounds.

Don’t be yourself; be someone a little nicer. ~ Mignon McLaughlin

Any attempt to print Murphy’s laws will jam the printer.

Politicians who dislike the restraints of highly organized economic research like to remark that a truly great research worker needs only three pieces of equipment–a pencil, a piece of paper, and a brain. But they quote this maxim more often at political banquets than at budget hearings.

Murphology

Murphy’s Law: If anything can go wrong, it will. Corollary: It can. The Extended Murphy’s Law: If a series of events can go wrong, it will do so in the worst possible sequence. Silberman’s Paradox: If Murphy’s Law can go wrong, it will. Gattuso’s Extension of Murphy’s Law: Nothing is ever so bad that it […]

A chicken doesn’t stop scratching just because worms are scarce.

The good Lord gave you a body that can stand most anything. It’s your mind you have to convince. ~ Vincent Lombardi

One good thing about music, when it hits you, you feel no pain. ~ Bob Marley

We see things as we are, not as they are.

Nothing is so hard for those who abound in riches as to conceive how others can be in want. ~ Jonathan Swift

The error of youth is to believe that intelligence is a substitute for experience, while the error of age is to believe experience is a substitute for intelligence. ~ Lyman Bryson

Too many people are ready to carry the stool when the piano needs to be moved.

The nice thing about standards is there are so many to choose from.

Nearly everyone is in favor of going to heaven but too many are hoping they’ll live long enough to see an easing of the entrance requirements.

Every time history repeats itself the price goes up.

I am responsible for my actions, including those that are someone else’s fault.

I am grateful that my inner voices are now in agreement.

I humbly strive to understand and respect the opinions of others, regardless of their inferior intellect