December 2012
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Month December 2012

Equality, HA!! If men and women were created equal, a judge in capital crime cases would have to make sure that women were hung like men.

Impotence: Nature’s Way Of Saying “No Hard Feelings.”

My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

It’s not hard to meet expenses…they’re everywhere.

Even crime wouldn’t pay if the government ran it.

Leftists are among the first to speak of their rights.

The face is familiar but I can’t quite remember my name.

If all is not lost, where is it?

Did Noah keep his bees in archives?

Are part-time bandleaders semi-conductors?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as 4′s?

If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.

Being rich don’t mean so much. Just look at Henry Ford–all those millions and he never owned a Cadillac!

Thought about becoming a witch. I tried it for a spell.

I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the axe.  After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn’t suited for it. Mainly because it was a so-so job.  Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was exhausting.

Don’t join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.

People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them somebody famous said them first. ~ Benjamin Franklin

What did the Zen Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor? Make me one with everything.

In a nuclear war, all men will be cremated equal.

The meek shall inherit the earth…if that’s OK with you.

You have to be going to a pretty awful place if getting there is half the fun.

Regardless of the temptation, don’t lick a steak knife.

I measure every grief I meet with narrow, probing eyes I wonder if it weighs like mine — or has an easier size. ~ Emily Dickinson

Those things that hurt, instruct. ~ Benjamin Franklin

Once you choose hope, anything’s possible. ~ Christopher Reeve

What do you call a generic engineering company in Italy?  Genitalia.

You only pay attention to things that are meaningful to you, so the meaning of your life is what you pay attention to. ~ Alistair Cockburn

Language services three functions. The first is to communicate ideas. The second is to conceal ideas. The third is to conceal the absence of ideas. ~ Otto Jespersen

The appropriate demeanor for a human is to feel lucky that he is alive and to humble himself in the face of the immensity of things and have a beer. Relax. Welcome to Earth – Kary Mullis

Be willing to make decisions. That’s the most important quality in a good leader. Don’t fall victim to what I call the Ready-Aim-Aim-Aim Syndrome. You must be willing to fire. ~ T. Boone Pickens

Maturity is when you quit blaming other people for your problems. ~ Craig Burton

Rudeness is the weak man’s imitation of strength. ~ Eric Hoffer

There were computers in Biblical times. Eve had an Apple.

No matter how much data you add to your laptop, it will not get heavier.

Acceptance of dissent is the fundamental requirement of a free society. ~ Richard Royster

I leave this rule for others when I’m dead. Be always sure you’re right–then go ahead. ~ Davy Crockett