December 2012
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Day December 6, 2012

Even before Christmas has said Hello, it’s saying Buy Buy. ~ Robert Paul

In what year did Christmas and New Year’s fall in the same year?

Love is what is in the room on Christmas if you stop opening your presents and listen.

My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.  ~ Phyllis Diller

Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus. Unfortunately, so did my parents. So I never got anything. ~  Charlie Viracola

My father was cheap. Every year he’d say, “I’m glad Christmas comes but once every other year.”  ~ John Roy

On a low budget? Scrape the toothpaste that gets stuck on the side of your bathroom sink from time to time and freeze it. It makes wonderful party mints at Christmastime.  ~ Steve Morris

What nationality is Santa Claus? North Polish.

I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included. ~ Bernard Manning

I have learned to spell hors d’oeuvres Which still grates on some people’s n’oeuvres. ~ Warren Knox

Trying to answer everyone’s questions–write yours on the back of a $20 dollar bill and send them to me.

Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.

Life is too short to worry about how short life is.

Don’t believe everything you think.

When I want your opinion, I’ll remove the duct tape.

A good pun is its own reword.

Sometimes too much to drink isn’t enough.

I got some new underwear yesterday. Well, it was new to me.

A status symbol is a symbol, not status

Equality, HA!! If men and women were created equal, a judge in capital crime cases would have to make sure that women were hung like men.

Impotence: Nature’s Way Of Saying “No Hard Feelings.”

My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

It’s not hard to meet expenses…they’re everywhere.

Even crime wouldn’t pay if the government ran it.

Leftists are among the first to speak of their rights.

The face is familiar but I can’t quite remember my name.

If all is not lost, where is it?

Did Noah keep his bees in archives?

Are part-time bandleaders semi-conductors?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as 4′s?

If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.

Being rich don’t mean so much. Just look at Henry Ford–all those millions and he never owned a Cadillac!

Thought about becoming a witch. I tried it for a spell.

I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the axe.  After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn’t suited for it. Mainly because it was a so-so job.  Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was exhausting.

Don’t join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.

People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them somebody famous said them first. ~ Benjamin Franklin

What did the Zen Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor? Make me one with everything.

In a nuclear war, all men will be cremated equal.

The meek shall inherit the earth…if that’s OK with you.

You have to be going to a pretty awful place if getting there is half the fun.

Regardless of the temptation, don’t lick a steak knife.

I measure every grief I meet with narrow, probing eyes I wonder if it weighs like mine — or has an easier size. ~ Emily Dickinson

Those things that hurt, instruct. ~ Benjamin Franklin