December 2012
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Month December 2012

Birthdays are like busses, never the number you want.

When I have a birthday I take the day off. But when my wife has a birthday, she takes a year or two off.

Do you have trouble making up your mind? Well, yes or no?

Radioactive halibut will make fission chips.

The directive in life, the moral imperative was so uncomplicated. It could be expressed in single words, not complete sentences. It sounded like this: Look. Listen. Choose. Act. ~ Barbara Hall

When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

I wish I had a dime for every dime I’ve had.

Smile is the way to solve many problems.  Silence is the way to avoid many problems.

Excellence is not a skill. It is an attitude. ~ Ralph Marston

A marriage anniversary is the celebration of love, trust, partnership, tolerance and tenacity. The order varies for any given year. ~ Paul Sweeney

The world has grown suspicious of anything that looks like a happily married life. ~ Oscar Wilde

Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired. ~ Robert Frost

He’s the world’s greatest proof of reincarnation–no one could get that dumb in just one lifetime.

I have an intense desire to return to the womb.  Anybody’s. ~ Woody Allen

I’m not the man I used to be, so why should I have to pay his debts? ~ Gary Apple

Courtship, n.:  that period during which the girl decides whether or not she can do better.

Schizophrenia may be a necessary consequence of literacy. ~ Marshall Mcluhan

Jokes are grievances. ~ Marshall Mcluhan

For tribal man space was the uncontrollable mystery. For technological man it is time that occupies the same role. ~ Marshall Mcluhan

Whether it’s the best of times or the worst of times, it’s the only time we’ve got. ~ Art Buchwald

The conservative who resists change is as valuable as the radical [liberal] who proposes it. ~ Ariel Durant

It may be true that you can’t fool all the people all the time, but you can fool enough of them to rule a large country. ~ Will Durant

When liberty destroys order the hunger for order will destroy liberty. ~ Will Durant

I once made love for an hour and fifteen minutes, but it was the night the clocks are set ahead. ~ Garry Shandling

The political machine triumphs because it is a united minority acting against a divided majority. ~ Will Durant

The trouble with most people is that they think with their hopes or fears or wishes, rather than their minds. ~ Will Durant

A vacation is what you take when you can no longer take what you’ve been taking. ~ Earl Wilson

That’s the reason they’re called lessons, because they lessen from day to day. ~ Lewis G. Carroll

I gave my wife plastic surgery—I cut up her credit cards. ~ Henny Youngman

I’m not real smart; I’m imaginary smart. ~ Meghan Matthews

Life is like a taxi. The meter just keeps a-ticking whether you are getting somewhere or just standing still. ~ Lou Erickson

Even before Christmas has said Hello, it’s saying Buy Buy. ~ Robert Paul

In what year did Christmas and New Year’s fall in the same year?

Love is what is in the room on Christmas if you stop opening your presents and listen.

My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.  ~ Phyllis Diller

Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus. Unfortunately, so did my parents. So I never got anything. ~  Charlie Viracola

My father was cheap. Every year he’d say, “I’m glad Christmas comes but once every other year.”  ~ John Roy

On a low budget? Scrape the toothpaste that gets stuck on the side of your bathroom sink from time to time and freeze it. It makes wonderful party mints at Christmastime.  ~ Steve Morris

What nationality is Santa Claus? North Polish.

I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included. ~ Bernard Manning

I have learned to spell hors d’oeuvres Which still grates on some people’s n’oeuvres. ~ Warren Knox

Trying to answer everyone’s questions–write yours on the back of a $20 dollar bill and send them to me.

Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.

Life is too short to worry about how short life is.

Don’t believe everything you think.

When I want your opinion, I’ll remove the duct tape.

A good pun is its own reword.

Sometimes too much to drink isn’t enough.

I got some new underwear yesterday. Well, it was new to me.

A status symbol is a symbol, not status