November 2012
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Month November 2012

Reality leaves a lot to the imagination.

It’s so hard when I have to, and so easy when I want to. ~ Annie Gottlier

There is only one thing worse than losing, and that is quitting.

This is serious:  some of the things that are supposed to last the rest of my life are already wearing out. ~ Ashleigh Brilliant

It’s human to make mistakes and some of us are more human than others. ~ Ashleigh Brilliant

Sometimes, when one person dies, it leaves the whole world empty. 

What I like most about myself is that I’m so understanding when I do something wrong.

I want to start a women’s magazine called “Period.”  Some months I’ll send it out late just to freak out my subscribers.

Quiet people have the loudest minds. ~ Stephen Hawking

Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood.  So, logically, pancakes are more important than family.

Starting a sentence with “If you ask me” almost always indicates that no one asked you.

Did you hear there is a dwarf shortage?

My wife says that the difference between a husband and childbirth is that one can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while the other is just having a baby.

My wife told me:  You’ll never amount to anything because you procrastinate.  I said:  Just you wait.

One time I was going up an escalator and tripped; I fell down the steps for an hour and a half!!

As a young child my mom told me I could be anybody I wanted to be.  Turns out the police call it identity theft.

Is it possible to be in two places at twice?

I saw a one armed man in a second hand store the other day.

When I was younger I always felt like I was a boy trapped in a woman’s body. However, that changed when I was born.

Is it true that doctors spank babies’ bottoms when they are born because it knocks the penis off of the dumb ones?

Okay…new Christmas game!  “Message” me your credit card number & 3-digit security code, and I’ll update my status with what I bought with it!

A poll found that 55 percent of shoppers start their Christmas shopping the day after Thanksgiving. The other 45 percent are men.

Learn to spell… Auto Correct isn’t always write.

It doesn’t matter if you win or lose until you lose.

THIS JUST IN: Child actor Buckwheat has converted his religion to Islam.  He will now go by the the name of Kareem of Wheat.

The voices in my head have switched to sign language just to mess with me.

Movie characters are always so awesome. If they wake up mysteriously in a hospital alone and beaten up, they just rip the IV right out of their arm and slip past the nurses. I would at least want to see my chart first, and maybe get some juice.

It amazes me what humans can do, even when streams are flowing down their faces and they stagger on… ~  Markus Zusak

I am haunted by humans. ~ Markus Zusak

As she lay there dozing next to me, one voice inside my head kept saying, ‘Relax, you’re not the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients,’ but then another kept reminding me, ‘Howard, you are a veterinarian!’

Know how sublime a thing it is to suffer and be strong. ~ Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

The qualities that get a man into power are not those that lead him, once established, to use power wisely. ~ Lyman Bryson

She was a woman who, between courses, could be graceful with her elbows on the table. ~ Henry James

Life is mostly froth and bubble, Two things stand like stone — Kindness in another’s trouble, Courage in your own. ~ Adam L. Gordon

Freedom of expression is the matrix, the indispensable condition, of nearly every other form of freedom. ~ Benjamin Cardozo

It’s hard to create humor because of the unfair competition from the real world. ~ Peter’s Almanac

The second half of a man’s life is made up of nothing but the habits he has acquired during the first half. ~Fyodor Dostoevsky

My hopes are not always realized, but I always hope. ~ Ovid

I never reprimand a boy in the evening–darkness and a troubled mind are a poor combination. ~ Frank L. Boyden

If you don’t change your beliefs, your life will be like this forever. Is that good news? ~ Douglas Adams

We are rarely proud when we are alone. ~ Voltaire

Friendship often ends in love; but love in friendship–never. ~ Charles Caleb Colton

She’ll never love you better than she loves her own children. ~ Mark Lawrence

When you take a woman away from her man, what you get is a woman who can be taken away from her man. ~ Mark Lawrence

No, I don’t understand my husband’s theory of relativity, but I know my husband and I know he can be trusted. ~ Elsa Einstein

The modern definition of ‘racist’ is someone who is winning an argument with a liberal. ~ Peter Brimelow

Democracy is two wolves and a lamb deciding what to have for dinner. Liberty is a well-armed lamb. ~ Benjamin Franklin

Dreams are real as long as they last. Can we say more of life? ~ Havelock Ellis

And quit bringing up our forefathers and saying they were civil libertarians. Our founding fathers would have never tolerated any of this crap. For God’s sake, they were blowing peoples’ heads off because they put a tax on their breakfast beverage. And it wasn’t even coffee. ~ Dennis Miller

Remember, guns don’t kill people–unless you practice real hard. ~ Bill Maher