July 2012
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Month July 2012

Like a midget at a urinal, we need to stay on our toes

Life is like a game of tennis; the player who serves well seldom loses.

Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.

If you have nothing to do, don’t do it here.

If people listened to themselves more often, they would talk less.

Q: How many brewers does it take to change a light bulb? A: One-third less than for a regular bulb.

When I was a baby, my father used to throw me up in the air and then… answer the phone. ~ Rita Rudner  

We should make tail lights in different colors so that gridlock is more interesting.

Being an atheist isn’t too bad until someone dies.

Do not share things that are dear to you with people who are not.

KISSING:  A means of getting two people so close together that they can’t see anything wrong with each other.

A prison inmate had his prosthetic leg confiscated after he used it in a brawl with another prisoner. When the inmate found out the authorities were taking away his leg, he was hopping mad.

A ten-year-old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible.  Then one day she floored her grandmother by asking, “Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus:  the Virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?”

Midlife is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old, you have to pay someone to look at you naked.

With proper diet, rest, and exercise a healthy body will last a lifetime.

Dear God, Please bring back Bob Marley. In return you can have Justin Bieber. Amen

We are only as sick as our secrets.

What do the letters DNA stand for?  National Dyslexics Association

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over? Doughnuts.

Have you ever seen a plumber bite his nails?

What if your mother really WAS right? About everything?

If they’re psychic and I need them so much, why don’t they just phone me?

Never say “OOPS!” Always say “Ah, interesting!”

If you are going to walk on thin ice you might as well dance.

Cooking lesson #1: don’t fry bacon in the nude.

Be consistent (but not all the time).

Anger opens the mouth and shuts the mind.

A person is grown up not when they can take care of themselves, but when they can take care of others.

My greatest fear in life is that no one will remember me after I’m dead. ~ Some Dead Guy

It would have been more convincing if the fall of man had been attributed to a banana instead of an apple.

Tradition is an explanation for acting without thinking. ~ Grace McGarvie

Few explanations ever explained the necessity of making one. ~ Elbert Hubbard

Every now and then you meet a bore who is so dull that he can even put a cup of coffee to sleep.

The best audience is one that is intelligent, well-educated, and a little drunk. ~ Alben W. Barkley

Too many parents tie up their dogs and allow their children to run loose.

Obesity is really widespread. ~ Joseph O. Kern II

No diet will remove all the fat from your body because the brain is entirely fat. Without a brain, you might look good, but all you could do is run for public office. ~ George Bernard Shaw

Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the Titanic who waved off the dessert cart.~ Erma Bombeck

About the only thing you can acquire without money is debt. ~ Anonymous

How to say I Love You in dozens of languages, from Afrikaans to Zuni:   http://yunus.hacettepe.edu.tr/~sadi/dizeler/i-love-you.html  

Critics are like eunuchs in a harem; they know how it’s done, they’ve seen it done every day, but they’re unable to do it themselves. ~ Brendan Behan

We protest against unjust criticism but we accept unearned applause. ~ Jose Narosky

The best way to convince a fool that he is wrong is to let him have his own way. ~ Josh Billings