July 2012
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Month July 2012

I make serious coffee – so strong it wakes up the neighbors.

Gratitude is the best attitude.

The more you invest in a marriage, the more valuable it becomes. ~ Amy Grant

All weddings are similar, but every marriage is different. ~ John Berger

How many times can you subtract 7 from 83, and what is left afterwards? You can subtract it as many times as you want, and it leaves 76 every time.

Our Number 1 problem is that nobody wants to take responsibility for anything…but don’t quote me.

My wife wanted to renew our vows. I told her I don’t want to make the same mistake twice.

Too many couples marry for better or for worse, but not for good.

Sometimes I just can’t prevent clean thoughts from entering my mind.

I wish my mouth had a backspace key.

Those small bumps around women’s nipples are Braille for “suck here.”

Today’s message is brought to you by Oil of Olay, the favorite oil of Spanish bull fighters.

One good thing about being wrong is the joy it brings to others

A golf course is a site to be holed.

In poker, a good deal depends on a good deal.

Don’t think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.

The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

My wife says that she will dance on my grave. I’ve now arranged to be buried at sea.

I tried to go see a pirate movie, but they wouldn’t let me in. It was rated arrrrrr!

If at first you don’t succeed, shouldn’t you try doing it like your wife told you to?

I’m in therapy now. I used to be in denial, which is a lot cheaper.

Excuse me for driving so closely in front of you.

At the mall I saw a kid on a leash. Ha.  All of mine were cordless.

Not only does my wife drive me crazy, she makes me pay for the gas.

My new health club is so fancy, they have a spiral StairMaster.

The secret to getting rid of unwanted pubic hair is to spit.

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.

I don’t eat snails… I prefer fast food!

I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes

If it’s free, it’s advice. If you pay for it, it’s counseling. If you can use either one, it’s a miracle!

If two people invest in a boat, is it a partner-ship?

Health plans are like hospital gowns…You only think you’re covered.  

Did you hear about the blonde who thought an innuendo is an Italian suppository?

A happily married man is one who understands every word that his wife didn’t say.

Getting to work on time only makes the day longer.

It isn’t that life is short. It’s that death is so long.

My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.

I stopped at two gas stations today. I robbed the first one so I could pay the second.

Views expressed by husbands are not necessarily those of the management.

I may have a vacuum between my ears, but a least it’s better than nothing.

My wife thinks freedom of the press means no-iron clothes.

Reisner’s Rule of Conceptual Inertia:  If you think big enough, you’ll never have to do it.

Distance doesn’t make you any smaller, but it does make you part of a larger picture.

No man is an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent. ~ John Donne

Food Riddles

Question: You throw away the outside and cook the inside. Then you eat the outside and throw away the inside.  What did you eat? Answer: Corn on the cob   Question: What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter? Answer: Pumpkin pi   Question: What was green and […]

What’s Irish and stays out all night? Patty O’Furniture.

New polls show that 3 in 5 Kenyans now believe that President Obama was born in Hawaii.

Others will look to you for stability, so hide when you bite your nails.

Remember the tea kettle, though up to its neck in hot water, it continues to whistle.

Love is never angry. Love is always patient. How many times do I have to tell you that?