June 2012
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Month June 2012

Personally, I don’t believe the world owes me a living, although for the amount I make, an apology would be nice.

If money won’t make you happy, you won’t like poverty either.

An Appendix is something found in the back of a book. Sometimes they get inside people and have to be taken out.

Sex makes you alert and ready to face the world… it’s an ideal substitute for a hot breakfast.

If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books.

Ask not what your country can do for you, but how much it’s going to cost for them to do it.

I’ve taken a vow of poverty. To annoy me, send money.

Speaking your mind isn’t the same thing as using it.

If I can be of any help, you’re in worse shape than I thought.

Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with.

A child, like your stomach, doesn’t need all you can afford to give it. ~ Frank A. Clark

Hansel and Gretel discovered the ginger bread house about 45 minutes after they discovered the mushrooms. ~ George Carlin

Too much of everything is just enough.

Iron man:  a Fe male.

I spent some time at my wife’s grave earlier.  She thinks I’m digging a pond.

Shouldn’t the Air and Space museum be empty?

In a cave, I found pictures of women’s breasts, but when I picked them up, a giant net fell on me.  It was a booby trap.

My wife and I have been arguing over which is the best vowel.  I won.

What gets longer when pulled, fits between breasts, inserts neatly in a hole, and works best when jerked?  A Seatbelt!

I used to live on the 3rd floor but have just moved up to the 4th floor.  But, that’s another story.

My wife said we would have less arguments if I wasn’t so pedantic.  I said, “FEWER ARGUMENTS.”

I’m a competitive person… I’ll be the first to admit it.

I put a couple of t’s in my beer last night.  It made it better.

To be frank would involve changing my name.

Cleavage is the only thing that you can look down on and approve of at the same time.

The worst bar I’ve ever been to was called The Fiddle.  It really was a vile inn.

Check this one out:  1.

She sells sea shells by the sea shore.  Seems like a misguided business venture to me.

I sell balloons for 10 cents each or if you want them blown up it’s 15 cents.  I’ve adjusted the price to allow for inflation.

I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB.  That was a trip down memory lane.

I asked my grandmother for “something Cuban” for my birthday, and she got me a Che Guevara shirt.  Clothes, but no cigar.

The most common surname In China is Chang; correct me if you think that’s Wong.

You would think that, if you pulled a snail’s shell off, then it would be able to move faster.  I tried it, but they seem to be more sluggish.

I’ve just started a band called 999 Megabytes.  We haven’t done a gig yet.

Is it just me…or does anybody else find pressing F5 refreshing?

The wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline.  She hit the roof.

I have decided to write all my jokes in capitals from now on.  This one was written in London.

Nothing in the world can take the place of Persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent. ~ Calvin Coolidge

Wouldn’t it be great if you could only get AIDS by giving money to television preachers? ~ Elayne Boosler

When the sun comes up, I have morals again. ~ Elayne Boosler

I’m just a person trapped inside a woman’s body. ~ Elayne Boosler

Love is said to be blind, but I know some fellows in love who can see twice as much in their sweethearts as I do. ~ Josh Billings

3 quickie bar jokes: Two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks. A magician walks down an alley and turns into a bar. A dyslexic guy walks into a bra.

Success is the maximum utilization of the ability that you have. ~ Zig Ziglar

Welfare is not a retirement plan.

Not all those that wander are lost. ~ J.R.R. Tolkien

When you feel dog-tired at night, it may be because you growled all day long

A true Southerner knows exactly how long “directly” is–as in, “Going to town, be back directly.”

A true Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of “yonder.”

Is life worth living? It all depends on the liver. ~ William James