May 2012
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Month May 2012

Not to brag, but I have completely mastered the right way to do everything wrong.

Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.

I was just asked to contribute money to help solve the civil unrest in Egypt, but I suspect it’s some sort of pyramid scheme.

If you feel a bit lonely, forgotten, or just need someone to cheer you up, remember…you can always change your birthday on Facebook.

I used to work as a waiter. The pay wasn’t great but it put food on the table.

They say that history repeats itself but, you know, they’ve said that before.

I just heard the villain in the next Batman movie is a guy who’s exposed to high levels of radiation and becomes the Speaker of the House of Representatives.

If you love something, let it go.  If it comes back to you, it has really low self-esteem and you should exploit that.

If a tomato is a fruit, does that make ketchup a smoothie?

Rhinos are just fat unicorns.

Christmas was best when I still believed in Santa Claus.  I want to be 22 again.

Did you hear about the Muslim strip club? It features full facial nudity.

It’s really difficult to find what you want on eBay.  I was searching for cigarette lighters and found over 15,000 matches.

Do you know what really makes me smile?  Facial muscles.  

If you email someone that you can read maps backwards, is it spam?

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German were all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling. The juggler noticed that the four gentlemen had a very poor view, so he stood up on a large wooden box and asked if they could see him.  They replied:  Yes Oui Si Ja.  

Wind turbines.  I’m a big fan.

When my wife said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking.  Then I saw her face, now I’m a believer…

Somebody called me pretentious the other day.  I nearly choked on my latte.

Jesus loves you is such a nice thing to hear in church, but sort of terrifying in a Mexican prison.

She says I keep pushing her buttons. If that were true, I would have found Mute by now…

This girl came up to me today and said she recognized me from a vegetarian club. I was confused, I’d never met herbivore. ~ Anonymous

Cooking Tip: Raw toast is an ideal bread substitute.

Ever notice how many government officials make their raises effective long before they ever are? ~ Alfred E. Neuman

It’s a good idea to save your money. One day it might be worth something again! ~ Alfred E. Neuman

Who says nothing is impossible? Some people do it every day. ~ Alfred E. Neuman

Cigarettes are like hamsters… perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and set it on fire.

Don’t tell me you have a chocolate lab if you’re just talking about a kind of dog. ~ Chase Mitchell

I bought SPF 75 sunscreen.  I squeezed the tube and out came a wool sweater.  ~ Mike Wiley

Megahurts

Megahurts:  Employees at high-tech firms are burning out from stress.  So The Week asked its readers to name this new malady: Appleplexy dot.coma Cybermyalgia IPOchondria appsphyxia

Just bought a book on narcissism.  It’s great.  It’s all about me.  ~ Marc Maron

My struggle to remain healthy is gradually killing me. ~ Ashleigh Brilliant

Any day is a good day to have a mother.  

Isn’t it a nice coincidence that you and I are both alive at the same time!

Regardless of the date, I’m glad you were born.

I just taped magnets to the bottom of my empty coffee cup and attached it to the top of my car.

I was uncool before uncool was cool.

On a walk, my son saw a pay phone and asked what it was. I made him look it up on his iPhone.

Scientists have finally discovered what is wrong with the politician’s brain: On the left side, there is nothing right, and on the right side, there is nothing left.

You can fool some of the people all of the time…those are the ones you want to concentrate on.

On Missing You…

I sit beside the fire and think of people long ago,  and people who will see a world that I shall never know.    But all the while I sit and think of times there were before,  I listen for returning feet and voices at the door.  J. R. R. Tolkien, in The Fellowship of the […]

To some it’s a six-pack; to me it’s a Support Group.

The school of hard knocks is an accelerated curriculum. ~ Menander

If only our great thinkers could learn to talk, and our great talkers could learn to think. ~ Ashleigh Brilliant

The cleaner the windshield, the stronger the magnetism to insects

Love is friendship caught fire. ~ Jerry Anderson

Life is pleasant.  Death is peaceful. It’s the transition that’s troublesome. ~ Isaac Asimov

It has never been determined whether the early bird enjoys the worm as much as the late bird enjoys the extra sleep.    ++  

The government announced today that it is changing its national symbol to a condom because it more accurately reflects the government’s political stance.  A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and give you a sense of security while you’re being screwed. ~ Anonymous